


On Birds and Young Human Hearts

by ShannynFaucheux



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Arcades, Birds, Bullying, Child Neglect, Domestic Violence, F/M, Friendship, Growing Up, Idiots in Love, M/M, Teenage Delinquent Shenanigans, Underage Drinking, Until the bullied one starts kicking people's asses, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27047563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShannynFaucheux/pseuds/ShannynFaucheux
Summary: A story about holding onto love.
Relationships: Akabayashi Mizuki/Shiki Haruya, Aozaki Shuu/OC
Comments: 12
Kudos: 2





	1. Part I: To our Youth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [drx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/drx/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : D  
> To varrix;  
> Remember when I said ''A month is a fairly long time ''. Yeah, I am a clown.  
> I told you I was going to present you the best I can write, and this is it. I'm not going to make excuses. You're one of very few people who gave my obscure storytelling a chance, so if you don't like this one, I'll write you another fic.
> 
> English isn't my native language so for example, if you read a paragraph and don't understand what I'm trying to say, I'm only a discord message away. 
> 
> Few things about the story: I set the story in Oita, Japan. However, I've never been there before. I took many liberties while building the scenes and Oita pretty much stayed as a name.  
> There is something called 'junior high school' (9th grade) in Japan's high school system. And the class names go like: 1-3, 3-3 etc.. I didn't follow that system in this story. At the start, they are high school second year students (10th grade) and their class name is ''10-B. ''
> 
> The prompt you gave me was amazing. I hope I did justice to your ideas, and the way I interpreted them excites you. You've been so, so supportive throughout this. Thank you.

On Birds and Young Human Hearts

_I. The Boy_

In yearly meetings, teachers of _Oita Tsurusaki High School_ describe their students as being a bit unruly. Parents of those students stand up and object to this, saying their sons and daughters are just a bit energetic.

If you ask _Mizuki Akabayashi_ , a second-year student in class 10-B, he would tell you that his friends are simply striving to live their adolescent years to the fullest before they grow up.

Students of Oita Tsurusaki High School are young boys and girls of Japan’s countryside who carry light-hearted smiles on their faces and freckles on their cheeks. They fight, gossip, and bask in the strong sun after school. Most of them help their parents in the wheat fields just outside of _Oita_ when the harvest season comes.

There is a boy in Mizuki’s class. An _outsider_ who doesn’t fit into this description. Thin black hair, a skin eerily pale like he is immune to sunlight. He has high cheekbones and hollow cheeks. Mizuki has seen a small beauty mark on his jawline.

This boy has brown eyes and a cold gaze. But if you look carefully, the wisdom he carries in his eyes is unmistakable. He views his surroundings without involving himself in anything and revealing almost nothing about himself.

_Or what is happening to him._

To Mizuki, this boy is an annoying clump of contradictions. His built is small and he looks weaker compared to the rest of the boys in the class, but that doesn’t stop him from competing with a student in the school’s running team.

He is smart but doesn’t try to be the top student of the class in order to not pull any more attention on himself; as time to time he gets bullied for his peculiar looks and the clean Japanese he speaks that sounds nothing like the other students’ regional dialect.

And as much as he gets bullied, he _fights_. Everyone in Oita Tsurusaki High School knows about the incident a year ago where he pulled, not a knife, but a _nail-file_ on a senior student who made a remark about him being _‘’unclean’’._

_Sitting at the last row of seats inside the classroom and gazing at ‘the boy’ -who is paying attention to the English class like the good student he is-, Akabayashi Mizuki isn’t sure why such comment was made, as the boy always comes to school in crisp white school-shirt and ironed pants. Unlike him._

_His mother doesn’t really do much ironing._

Though this boy’s crisp shirts and _fancy-pants_ only accentuate the bruises he shows up to school in after couple days of absence. It happens every few months, Mizuki has observed.

Other students have long figured all out through gossip.

His name is _Haruya._

Mizuki remembers him at the start of their first year. Haruya wrote his name to the blackboard using the spring kanji, and shared with the class that he was passionate about _birds._ He finds them ‘’worth exploring’’.

He said because they are _‘’free’’_.

There, Mizuki wondered if Haruya felt trapped in this small town, like a bird in a cage, unable to release its wings open. As wings that have the power to free one would only be a heaviness on one’s back if something kept you from using them.

_All the things a young man should discover, and at once, the places he should see. Does Haruya feel how in a blink of an eye that their youth is sliding off their hands in this tiny corner of the world? Does he feel this as a dead weight in the bottom of his heart, like Mizuki does?_

Lastly, despite his cutting edges and poison tongue, there is something delicate in the mould that has shaped _Haruya._ Mizuki has seen it in the way his hands look under sunlight. He saw it in the way his cold gaze softened that one time when the Biology teacher asked him to tell the class about his favourite birds.

Haruya is a clump of contradictions. And invokes similar feelings in Mizuki. He wants to punch him because he can’t understand where does this nerve of his come from; but he also wants to drag him by his hand, make him sit under the sun and force him to eat the fruits Mizuki’s mother leaves on the kitchen counter every morning because she doesn’t have time to prepare him a proper lunch.

Mizuki wonders, once he faces him, if he will kick him down or take his hand in his.

_II. The Gang_

High school first year. You are wide-eyed, taking in your surroundings as teachers introduce themselves to you. The reality in those first few days is always distorted. You don’t know, but the inappropriate graffiti on the walls had been covered with fresh paint about a week ago.

You stare at shiny hallway floors and think this is a new beginning.

Next week, a senior student decides to take the bicycle parking spot that was assigned _to you- and even your bicycle_. Then you understand, it’s the same old shit, _but now you’re in high school._

Since you’re everyone’s _‘’kouhai’’_ you can’t really fight back. You have to face your occasional bullying, give your small allowance to your seniors and sit back down on your ass.

That’s what Mizuki did—but while looking cute to his _‘’senpai’s’’_ , he gathered a small gang of underdogs around himself. They were bullied, angry first year students who he thought, had the potential to be turned into delinquents.

Add some red hair dye and an ear piercing to that and the kid who entered these high school gates for the first time with properly combed hair, who kept fairly good grades throughout his first year, started his second year as the leader of one of the tightest delinquent gangs of Oita.

_Following the English teacher with his eyes, but not listening to her, Mizuki sighs from the last row of seats in the classroom. He leans back in his seat and crosses his arms over his chest._

_It was glorious._ The way students took a step back when Mizuki and his gang were walking past the hallways. Fights took place every week against cutthroat last year students who fought _passionately_ knowing those were their last few months before they became proper adults and took over family businesses.

Then his gang was the strongest, people got it. And everything became mundane. Boring.

Nowadays Mizuki’s gang go to an all-boys school in the west of Oita to challenge another gang. The leader of the rival gang is a big guy named _Aozaki Shuu._ Mizuki finds him amusing. Aozaki Shuu's been repeating the last year of high school for the past two years. Fingers crossed, he wouldn’t be able to graduate this year too. 

English session before lunch-break is over. Students leave the classroom chatting in small groups.

Mizuki stays in his seat and watches Haruya. The black-haired boy takes out his bento-box and walks over to a window-side seat with a small book squeezed under his right arm.

He settles to his new spot and opens his book nicely in front of him. Then he picks up a plain rice ball and takes small bites from it. Time to time he turns the pages of his book with a soft swipe of his fingers. Haruya is always by himself, eats the same thing almost every lunch.

Today, at the beginning of the English class, Haruya asked the teacher if red hair and piercings were appropriate to the school’s dress code. Because the teacher made a not-so-nice remark about another student’s lipstick.

Then he turned from his seat and looked at Mizuki dead in the eye.

_What the fuck?_

This boy had the courage to fight back to seniors in their first year while Mizuki was trying to amuse them to keep his allowance in his pocket. Because of that, nor him nor his gang was interested in messing with him.

Until today.

_You pulled the trigger first, Haruya-kun._

A slender student walks into the classroom. His school shirt is rumpled, pants dusty at the hems. His choppy brown hair has slightly faded streaks of purple dye in it.

His name is _Junkichi._ The ‘’brain’’ of Mizuki’s gang. He makes decent amount of money organizing -illegal- bets once baseball season starts between high-schools throughout Japan.

 _Junkichi_ follows Mizuki’s gaze resting on the boy sitting by the window side. He crouches next to Mizuki's desk;

‘’ Should we follow him after school, chief? We can learn what’s his problem with you. ‘’ He offers, keeping his voice low.

Mizuki gives a slow nod; ‘’ Tell _Kanzaki_ and _Yohei_ to come too. ‘’ No.3 and 4 of the gang respectively. Yohei has fifteen more delinquents who follow him as long as he pays them. They join the fights when needed.

Kanzaki is the only student in school who can compare to Mizuki or Aozaki Shuu when it comes to muscle power.

Junkichi stands up; ‘’ I’ll let them know. See you after the last bell then, chief. ‘’

**﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏**

After school, Mizuki and his gang start following the boy from a safe distance until they spot an alley where they could corner him and wouldn’t be disturbed. Then Kanzaki throws a heavy arm over Haruya’s shoulders. Yoshio follows Kanzaki and gives Haruya a threatening look as they walk him into the alley.

In the alley, Mizuki leans against an out-of-order vending machine and crosses his arms over his chest. He will only be an observer for now.

Junkichi grabs Haruya’s shirt and slams him against a wall.

‘’ If you’re going to tell me to give you my pocket money, I’ll tell you that capitalism feeds off our bones and that your pursuit is in vain. ‘’ Haruya says in a breath before giving Junkichi any chance to speak.

_‘’ Huh? ‘’_

Mizuki sighs. Those are some big words for his delinquents.

Kanzaki slams his big palm over the wall to scare the smaller boy. Cheap plaster crumbles and falls on Haruya’s uniform jacket.

‘’ What’re ya tryin’ to say, twig? ‘’

‘’ I’m poor. ‘’

‘’ Oh. ‘’

Haruya sends a look at the shoulder of his jacket, then lifts his gaze up to Kanzaki with a brow arched threateningly; ‘’ And you just got my jacket dirty. ‘’

‘’ God his fucking accent irritates me so much. ‘’ Yoshio spits on the ground and pushes Junkichi to the side to stand right under Haruya’s nose;

‘’ Did we ask for your money, bastard? Keep your money, you’re confusing us with beggars.’’ Yoshio says, adding; ‘’ Why did you disrespect our chief today? ‘’

While Haruya isn’t tall by any means, Yoshio stands way shorter than him. Showing his canine teeth, he laughs like a true bastard to Yoshio’s face;

‘’ Your _chief_ , huh? ‘’

Mizuki takes a step ahead when the boy buries his right knee hard into Yoshio’s flank.

Yoshio tumbles to one side, gritting his teeth in pain.

‘’ Why did you do that now, bastard!? ‘’

Kanzaki yells and throws a sturdy punch to Haruya’s cheek. He then pins him to the ground from his arms.

Junkichi flicks a switchblade open. Before Mizuki has the chance to tell him to drop the blade, Haruya tangles his legs to his attacker’s legs and pushes him off himself. Junkichi cuts open Haruya’s one eyebrow with the small switchblade before losing his balance.

Mizuki shouts;

‘’ Kanzaki, Jun! Stay back. ‘’

 _Now he is pissed._ Mizuki grabs Haruya from his shirt, drags him on the ground and throws him towards the vending machine. Haruya hits his back, but looks unshaken. He pulls out a cotton handkerchief from his pocket and presses it onto the bleeding cut just above his brow;

‘’ You know it’s very rude to spit on the ground. I think as their _beloved chief,_ you should teach some manners to your _men_ , Akabayashi-kun. ‘’

 _Take a deep breath in, my guy, and out._ Mizuki’s nostrils flare up with anger. He leans in his face and talks; ‘’ What’s up with you, huh? Using fancy words, these weird attitudes- ‘’

‘’ I think you’re belittling us because you came from the city, Haruya-kun. ‘’ Mizuki takes the other’s bag and spreads the books inside onto the ground.

He continues, picking up a random book; ‘’ You ignore everyone. Read books like this every break. What is this? ‘’

Haruya tilts his head and looks carefully at the book in Mizuki’s hand; ‘’ _That,_ is actually our philosophy textbook. The one we’re going to have a test on in a month. Also, who said you can use my first-’’

‘’ Name…’’ Haruya stops. His gaze shifts at a point parallel to Mizuki.

Instantly, fascination sparkles in his brown orbs. He parts his lips open and says;

_‘’ If you move, I’ll cut your dick off, Akabayashi-kun. ‘’_

Mizuki turns his head back to see a tiny blue bird hopping on the alleyway ground. Haruya moves forward to crawl towards the bird. On that, Junkichi and the others take a step ahead, gritting their teeth.

Mizuki lifts a hand up and signals his gang to not make a move.

‘’ I didn’t know these lived here. ‘’ Haruya mutters. He drops the handkerchief he’s been pressing on his wound, connects his hands, and opens his palms to the small bird.

The bird hops into the boy’s hands -two pale hands that has nothing to offer but his tender, curious touch-. Haruya turns and looks at Mizuki like his heart is about to burst from happiness.

 _At that moment, as much as he doesn’t want to admit,_ _Mizuki realizes_ _that he wants to take this boy’s hand in his, not kick him down._

He goes to his side and pets the bird’s head with his index finger; ‘’ Is it special or something? ‘’

Haruya nods; ‘’ She got scared though. I should let her go. ‘’ Blood is still trickling down to his eye, Mizuki finds _his_ handkerchief and wipes it off of his lashes;

‘’ She? ‘’

‘’ I think so. ‘’ While the gang is busy exchanging confused looks with each other, Haruya extends the bird to Mizuki’s hands; ‘’ Feel how fast her heartbeats are? ‘’

 _‘’ Gently. ‘’_ Mizuki takes the bird, but can’t take his eyes off the boy’s face; ‘’ Yeah, it’s shivering. ‘’ He says and gives it back quickly.

Holding the bird close to his chest, Haruya gathers his textbooks with one hand puts them back in his schoolbag. Then he walks out of the alley and stands under the sun.

He releases the bird into the endless sky.

 _‘’ You fly and be free. Be free for me too. ‘’_ He mumbles. Mizuki hears him. _And maybe only Mizuki hears him._

Then Haruya lowers his head and walks away without looking back.

‘’ Wait are we letting him go, Mizuki? ‘’ Junkichi stands next to the red-haired delinquent and asks.

Mizuki slaps him hard on the nape of his neck; ‘’ Be a man for once, Junkichi. When did we start bringing knives into fights? ‘’

Junkichi defends himself; ‘’ I learned that he has a black belt in aikido. He even won a tournament before. Thought we might need it. ‘’

‘’ _We needed it, Mizuki._ ‘’ Yoshio grits out, holding onto Kanzaki while walking.

_III._ _To Free a Bird_

On a typical day after school, Mizuki and his gang idle about on the town’s busiest street. Here, storefronts rarely change and Mizuki finds them quite unattractive. From there, they walk to the town’s only arcade while carrying fizzy drinks in their hands.

Sometimes they hang around in the school’s baseball field and watch the school team practice. And that’s about it.

On the shopping street, old men in groups of three are sitting on small stools in front of adjacent shops. They gossip and check out the housewives returning home with packs of groceries that’ll be used for tonight’s dinner. Gossip is people’s oxygen here. From high school students to retired uncles, _everyone talks_ , but no one really cares.

Mizuki spills some of his soda when Kanzaki nudges him with his elbow; ‘’ Isn’t that our twig? Talking with the pet shop guy over there. ‘’

Him, Yohei and Junkichi turn and look in the direction of the pet shop at the pavement across;

‘’ Yeah. The guy is heated and all too. Let’s go see what’s it about. ‘’ Mizuki throws his soda bottle into a sidewalk trashcan. The squad cross the street, line up on the pavement and start listening while acting like they aren’t.

‘’ Please tell me Okimi-san, have I not expressed myself clearly? You can’t shut this bird into a cage and expect it to sing and live happily. This species is considered endangered in Japan. ‘’ While talking, Haruya is pointing his finger at the black passerine bird inside a cage that’s stationed in front of the store;

‘’ Look at it, it already looks depressed..’’

The pet shop owner rubs his face and then places his hands on his hips; ‘’ Look kid, isn’t this the third time you’ve been here this week? It’s illegal to _hunt them down_ , it’s fine if I just sell them. ‘’

‘’ If you want to buy the bird and then release it, be my guest. ‘’

Haruya asks how much he wants for the tiny creature and the man gives a price that nor Haruya nor Mizuki can afford to pay. That immediately reflects over the black-haired boy’s expression as sadness and desperation.

Haruya crouches in front of the cage and talks to the bird;

‘’ I’m sorry. I’ll try to find some money as fast as possible for you, okay? ‘’ He extends an index finger into the cage. After petting the black bird’s head, he stands up and turns to leave with an utterly defeated look in his eyes.

Kanzaki rubs his big hands together and shifts uncomfortably on the pavement they’re sitting on;

‘’ _Oi_. Now I feel bad that I punched him like that. ‘’ Sure, he has the body of a giant, but God knows Kanzaki’s heart can get as soft as a marshmallow at times.

‘’ I think I know how we can help him. ‘’ Checking the street-passers, Mizuki announces.

‘’ I’m not helping that bastard. ‘’ Yoshio objects immediately; ‘’ My dad wanted to see me in his office. I’d rather go there instead. ‘’ He leaves to visit his father who is a wealthy car dealer.

Mizuki then places his inquiring eyes on Junkichi who as a reply, shrugs and pushes a stone with the tip of his worn-out _Air Jordan’s_ ;

‘’ _He_ doesn’t deserve your attention but you know I’m loyal to you. ‘’

They squeeze in a quiet corner to discuss a quick plan.

‘’ Alright. You two will go first and keep the pet shop guy busy. You have to get him inside the shop, okay? Ask him if he can sell you a _Tasmanian Devil_ or something. ‘’ Mizuki says, and adds;

‘’ I’ll quickly take the bird out while you guys are talking to him. ‘’

‘’ And then? ‘’ Junkichi asks.

‘’ While you two leave the shop _calmly,_ I will run as fast as possible. Then we’ll see each other at school tomorrow, I think. ‘’

Junkichi furrows his brows; ‘’ Fucking _broomstick_ really doesn’t deserve it. But ‘kay..’’

Before he sends them out on the mission, Mizuki turns to Kanzaki; ‘’ Try to act as human as possible alright, Kanzaki? ‘’ He spits in his one hand and lays the tall student’s hair back to fix his rough appearance a bit; ‘’ You’re the man. You can do it. ‘’

Kanzaki laughs; ‘’ You’re disgusting, chief. ‘’

Everything goes according to the plan until it _doesn’t._ Inside the shop, Kanzaki leans over the counter and blocks the shop owner’s view with his big built. In those seconds Mizuki is in front of the shop, trying to figure out how to open a birdcage.

 _There’s no way I can mess this up._ He thinks. But the cage doesn’t want to open.

_Really!?_

Just when he starts to panic, someone roughly pushes him aside and crouches in front of the cage;

‘’ Let me- ‘’ It is Haruya who has appeared out of nowhere. He opens the cage with ease. Mizuki takes out the bird inside.

The shop owner spots them right at that second;

‘’ _Oi!_ What are you- ‘’

Mizuki takes Haruya’s hand in his; _‘’ Run with me, Haruya-kun! ‘’_

He releases the bird in his other hand to its freedom, and they run as fast as their legs let them.

**﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏**

Mizuki pulls Haruya into the alley where his gang cornered him a week ago.

Haruya throws his backpack to the ground and crouches next to it, fighting for breath. Mizuki leans against the wall, bent over with his hands on his knees.

‘’ T-Thank you. ‘’ Haruya wheezes out, adding; ‘’ Why did you do that? ‘’

Mizuki escapes his gaze and rubs the back of his neck; ‘’ I-uh, never liked that pet shop guy anyway. Trapping animals an all, that’s not very cool. ‘’ 

It is fascinating how _awkwardness_ turns a delinquent into an animal rights activist in a matter of seconds.

Haruya has steadied his breath. Nodding, he unzips his backpack;

‘’ Yes. _It’s cruel._ But it wouldn’t sit right with me if I didn’t repay your favour. ‘’

He extends a cigarette carton to Mizuki’s direction; ‘’ Here. You guys smoke, right? ‘’

‘’ I’ll take one. ‘’ Mizuki shakes out a cigarette and lights it with the cheap lighter inside the carton. Then he returns the package to its owner;

‘’ You smoke too, huh? We pay an adult to buy us cigarettes, where do _you_ get em’? ‘’

Haruya hides the carton back to the depths of his backpack; ‘’ My mom smokes. I take one or two of hers now and then. ‘’

‘’ I see. ‘’

A pause. All of a sudden, Haruya starts to giggle, looking at the amateur way Mizuki inhales the smoke;

‘’ Someone needs to teach you how to smoke properly though... _chief._ ’’

‘’ What was that? ‘’ Mizuki gives a kick to the other’s backpack. The move lacks strength though, he does it jokingly.

‘’ Nothing...nothing. ‘’

Mizuki clears his throat; ‘’ So what do you do after school, besides getting on store owners’ nerves? ‘’

Haruya pushes himself to his feet, throwing his school bag over his shoulder; ‘’ I go home. There’s nothing to enjoy in this damn place anyway. ‘’

‘’ Now don’t be rude to my town like that. It’s shitty, but there is an arcade. We usually go there to hang out. ‘’

Haruya doesn’t say anything in return.

Mizuki stands next to him and places a hand on his arm;

‘’ Na Haruya-kun…You must’ve gone to the arcade at least once, right? ‘’ He asks, worriedly.

Haruya shakes his head; ‘’ Never went one in the city either. ‘’

Mizuki feels bad for him and offers to take him to the arcade to play a few games.

Haruya eyes him doubtfully as if he doesn’t trust Mizuki’s intentions. Then he accepts the invitation with a faint nod of his head, mumbling;

‘’ Only for an hour. ‘’

* * *

The arcade is pretty small, doesn’t have much variety when it comes to games. But inside is colourful and packed with loud adolescents beating the machines to break one other’s highest record in the games; smoke hazily drift and disperse from the cigarettes they light up to look cool but forget to lift up to their lips. Tetris soundtrack, pinball machine’s music and various bleeping sounds mount on top of each other, a group of friends break into laughter at one corner.

The red-haired delinquent buys a bunch of game tokens and informs Haruya that he won’t be letting him pay for anything, as he is his _guest_ today.

‘’ You talk like you own the place. But by all means, pay for my games. ‘’ Haruya says on that.

Mizuki ignores the remark and teaches him the basics at the Pacman machine; ‘’ I can’t believe you never went to an arcade in the city too. _Man,_ you could play cooler games there. ‘’

‘’ I couldn’t go because I had Aikido practice every day. I was preparing for a youth world tournament. ‘’ Haruya pays attention to how Mizuki plays the game and takes over shortly after; ‘’ I thought that would be my ticket out of Japan. I could discover different parts of the world. ‘’

He lets out a sigh and adds while keeping his eyes on the labyrinth which he is manoeuvring Pacman in; ‘’ I got eliminated though, and moved to Oita shortly after. ‘’

Mizuki surveys his expression carefully and makes a guess; ‘’ And you had to quit Aikido because there isn’t a dojo here. Right? ‘’

His Pacman gets caught. Haruya stops and stares at the machine like it had offended him greatly. Like he isn’t the one to lose at such a simple looking game, even at first try.

Mizuki huffs a laugh and extends him another token.

‘’ I don’t think I’ll ever be able to practice Aikido again, Akabayashi-kun. ‘’ Haruya examines the token before using it to start another round of Pacman; ‘’ I’ve weakened. In Aikido, you’re expected to be able to show mercy to your opponent. Be gentle when necessary. _I don’t have the strength to do that anymore._ ‘’

Those sentences fascinate Mizuki, but he doesn’t know what to say in return. Instead, he looks around and spots a group of boys leaving one of the games.

_The most fun one._

‘’ _Street Fighter_ is free! ‘’ He announces and grabs Haruya’s wrist; ‘’ Come. I promise you’ll like this one more. ‘’

He is right. Haruya manages to break Mizuki’s highest record after playing ten-something rounds of the game. After that, they move to a pinball machine and stand side by side. With their shoulders touching, they watch the pink neon lights inside the mechanism twinkle.

Haruya places his palm onto the surface of the machine and leans in to see the game map better. Absentmindedly, Mizuki puts his hand on top of his. He pulls it back quickly upon realizing.

He mutters a _‘’sorry’’_ and escapes his gaze, feeling a warmth on his cheeks.

Few more games later, Mizuki leaves the arcade to buy some snacks from the store nearby. He finds Haruya staring at the claw machine when he returns. This machine works with coins instead of tokens and offers plushie animals as the reward.

‘’ See something you like? ‘’

Haruya nods and moves his hand to pull out a coin from his pocket. But before he can do that, Mizuki swiftly hands him the soda and the pack of jelly beans he got from the store;

‘’ Sometimes we bring in the girls and get the toys they like. Then I sell it to them, _to a fair price of course._ So, I got pretty good with this machine. ‘’

He explains and turns to look at his face; ‘’ Which one do you want? I’ll get it for you, on me. ‘’

Haruya hesitates for a moment before pointing out a plushie inside the pile. It’s a red plushie in the shape of a bird.

Mizuki prepares a coin to put into the machine; ‘’ Of course, you’d want that one. ‘’

‘’ I’ll pay for it if you can’t get it on the first try. ‘’ Very well knowing Mizuki bought it for himself, Haruya takes a sip from the soda that’s handed to him; ‘’ It’s just a toy, I don’t want you to spend your money on it. ‘’

The other wears a smug grin on his face; ‘’ Nah, I’ll pick it on the first try, watch now. ‘’

 _He manages to get it after his fifth try_ _and claims that someone has rigged the machine._ But the way Haruya holds the plushie against his chest after they leave the arcade and start walking on the street, Mizuki thinks it is worth it that he embarrassed himself a bit.

Something flickers warmly in the middle of his chest.

Despite saying he would only stay for an hour; Haruya sees that the sky has darkened for good and the streets got emptier already. But he had a lot of fun.

It’s been some time.

It is time to separate. They stand on the pavement and Mizuki brushes his fingers over the gauze on the right side of Haruya’s forehead; ‘’ How’s that cut healing? ‘’

‘’ It’s going to leave a scar. ‘’

Mizuki nods;

‘’ I’m sure it will. Junkichi shouldn’t have brought a knife, I apologise on his behalf. ‘’

Haruya stares at his face in disbelief; ‘’ It’s..a wound. It’ll heal. ‘’

After a pause, Haruya extends his fingers to Mizuki’s face and tugs at the earring in his left ear. He examines it carefully by brushing his thumb and index finger on his earlobe.

Grinning sharply, Mizuki lifts a brow up; ‘’ What? You want one too? ‘’ Haruya’s backpack meets the wall behind him when he takes a step towards him.

Haruya muffles his words behind the bird plushie; ‘’ Maybe I do? ‘’ He confesses and looks away.

Another step. The red-haired delinquent places his palm against the wall and the other sharpens his gaze, ready to knock him down if needed.

‘’ _Piercings are against the school’s dress code, Haruya-kun… You sure you want one?_ It’s also illegal to get them until we’re eighteen. ‘’ Before Haruya can headbutt him, Mizuki quickly turns and faces the street lamp a few steps away.

He shrugs then; ‘’ But _sure…_ I can take you to a guy who does them as long as we pay him and keep our mouths shut about it. On one condition though. ‘’

Haruya frowns;

‘’ Just tell me what you want Akabayashi-kun. I have to go home. ‘’

Mizuki’s pompous movements die down right after that sentence, like a balloon that you release its air out. His shoulders slump forward. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair before walking back to Haruya’s side.

He crouches down;

‘’ I’m having a bit of trouble with my grades. Especially for English and Philosophy—I don’t get that last one at all. I don’t want to repeat those classes so… maybe you’d help me study a bit? ‘’

Haruya considers; ‘’ You’re stupid though. You sure you want to push your brain? I wouldn’t want it to break… ‘’ On that, Mizuki looks at him like the other has stepped on his heart and kicked it over to the nearest sewer.

But Haruya chuckles and extends his hand to him; ‘’ Just joking. I accept. ‘’

Hands meet in a friendly shake; ‘’ It’s a deal then. ‘’

After that, Mizuki watches him cross the street to go home. He yells after him; ‘’ You sure you can walk by yourself, Haruya-kun? ‘’

Haruya turns and lifts a middle finger at him.

‘’ That finger doesn’t do it when you’re holding a plushie. Just so you know…‘’

_IV. Tengoku / Paradise_

Next Saturday, Haruya is waiting for the red-haired boy with his back leaned against the wall of an old building. His hands are waiting inside the pockets of the light grey sweatshirt he’s wearing. He’s watched the sun go down hours ago. He saw a striking, bitter yellow beam on the horizon and took it deep into his heart. The beams bled into a reddish orange and then died down. Finally, the stars have come out.

Still waiting, he takes out the folded banknotes in his pocket and stares at them;

The money he has decided to spend on an ear piercing is at least two weeks’ worth of food for them. _For him and his mother._ A big pack of rice, many cartons of milk, hours of hard work.

A night ago, he had opened up to his mother about his wish. They had an honest conversation over two cups of warm milk with cheap honey in it. She reminded him that he was young and that he could do something nice for himself as long as he took the responsibility for it.

Haruya still feels uneasy about spending the money currently standing on his palm. But his attention shifts to Mizuki when he pulls up near the sidewalk on a motorcycle.

‘’ It’s Yoshio’s. He let me borrow it for tonight. ‘’ Mizuki explains and gestures him to get on; ‘’ We’ll be going a bit outside the city. Towards south. ‘’

Mizuki takes off his helmet, revealing his slicked-back red hair. He’s wearing a brown leather jacket, slightly oversized, a white shirt underneath and a pair of blue jeans.

Haruya takes the helmet when he extends it to his direction and wears it; ‘’ You’re all vanity. Where are we going exactly? ‘’

‘’ Do you know the apartments a company started constructing but bankrupted before they could finish and sell them? It happened two years ago, not sure if you were here then. ‘’

‘’ I was here. I remember. ‘’ Taking support from Mizuki’s shoulder, Haruya throws a leg over the seat and settles behind him; ‘’ I thought the buildings were abandoned since the company stopped the construction. ‘’

After that, Haruya isn’t sure where to put his hands. Mizuki takes them and wraps them around his waist;

‘’ They _are_ abandoned. Technically. You’ll see what I mean when we get there. ‘’

They pass the shopping street, then Mizuki makes a turn and starts riding on a narrow asphalt road.

The rev of the motorcycle fills Haruya’s ears, he hugs the other tighter when the wind gives him goosebumps on his arms. At one point he sticks his cheek to the rider’s leather jacket and watches the wheat fields unfold at two sides of the road. The fields look one with the stars spread over the ink-black sky.

Mizuki carries them safely to their destination. He parks the motorcycle in front of two almost adjacent apartment buildings. Unpainted, the structures lack windows or balcony railings.

Haruya hears some music coming from the underground parking garage and guesses that’s where they’ll be heading into.

The kanji for _‘’tengoku’’_ meaning ‘ _’paradise’’_ is written with red spray paint across the garage entrance. Haruya huffs. Red paint is used to write the names of the dead and often considered an ominous colour for that reason.

_Ah well…just like hell, you have to be dead to go to paradise._

A guy with a purple mohawk wearing a cheap-looking black suit stops them at the entrance. First, he eyes the shorter boy from head to toe, then turns his eyes to Mizuki;

‘’ How old is he? ‘’

‘’ _Eh?_ We’re in the same class, Tottori-san. ‘’ Replies Mizuki, then adds; ‘’ He’s gonna get a piercing from _Skull_ and we’ll ride right back. Skull’s expecting us. ‘’

‘’ He looks small. Alright go in, have fun. ‘’

They continue forward. Mizuki covers his mouth to stifle a laugh when he hears Haruya mumble;

‘’ Small things bite faster. Before you even realize, _bastard…_ ’’

Haruya takes in his surroundings and instantly feels that this isn’t a place a high schooler should be anywhere near. But he pulls the hoodie of his sweatshirt over his hair and follows Mizuki without a word.

The two high-schoolers pass a group playing billiard around a pool table. Haruya sees a young male sitting against a column and spots something smoking in his hand that sure doesn’t look like a normal cigarette. There is an abandoned table nearby, another one where four people are playing cards.

Some music that Haruya can only describe as ‘’chaotic’’ is produced by a band on a makeshift stage far across. At least twenty people are in front of the stage, seemingly enjoying the disoriented screech of two electric guitars. And behind the band, onto the wall, a quote from an old movie is spray-painted;

_‘’ Throw away your books, rally in the streets! ‘’_

Haruya’s lips twitch for a smirk when he sees it.

Mizuki points his finger at the man sitting on a plastic chair and reading a book. That’s _Skull._

Compared to the mohawks Haruya just saw, the potheads, then the ladies in unbelievably high platform shoes next to _bosozoku_ gang members playing cards, _Skull_ looks completely ordinary with his plain yellow shirt, shaggy brown hair and polite gaze.

He looks about thirty. He puts his book down and turns his head to greet them. Haruya quickly checks what he is reading.

Skull is reading Rousseau’s Social Contract. He introduces himself with the sentence;

‘’ They call me Skull. I don’t want to say that I run this place. I just make sure there aren’t any fights other than the organized ones, and that everyone has fun in their own way. ‘’ He pulls out a stool for Haruya to sit on;

‘’ That’s what I do. Welcome. ‘’

Haruya sits down; ‘’ I’m..Haruya. Just that. ‘’

‘’ Well, Haruya—First, I should apologize that I don’t use honorifics. I’m against them. They are just another unnecessary barrier between human hearts. ‘’ He smiles warmly to him while folding the sleeves of his shirt; ‘’ Mizuki told me you wanted a piercing like his. We can do that. Which ear do you want it in? ‘’

There is a skull tattoo on Skull’s inner forearm. ‘’ Oh. That’s why they call you Skull…’’ Haruya mumbles, then tells him that he wants the piercing in his right ear, thinking it would look cool with the scar he acquired on that side of his face.

Haruya lets a relieved breath out when he sees Skull pull out a pair of disposable gloves. But his assurance lasts short, because he then uses drinking alcohol to sanitize the needle.

‘’ Want to know whose skull I’m carrying on my arm? ‘’ Skull asks while marking a spot on Haruya’s right earlobe with a pen.

Haruya hesitates; ‘’ I’m... not sure. Do I want to know? ‘’ He exchanges a brief look with Mizuki who’s grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Skull huffs a laugh while preparing his equipment; ‘’ Well you replied my question with a question so I’ll tell you. It’s my girlfriend’s. ‘’ He continues; ‘’ I lost her many years ago in a fire that I accidentally caused, and that’s her skull on my arm. ‘’

Haruya looks at Mizuki in barely covered horror. Thinking, _‘’ Where have you brought me, Akabayashi-kun? Why did I even trust you?… ‘’_

‘’ He’s joking. ‘’ Mizuki says before lighting himself a cigarette like the cool kid he is.

‘’ I am. ‘’ Skull moves his plastic chair closer to the ink-haired high-schooler and motions him to pull down his hoodie; ‘’ It’s just a random tattoo I got when I was too young. But it’s the only distinctive thing about me, so people call me Skull. ‘’

‘’ You must have a real name though. ‘’ Haruya doesn’t flinch when Skull pushes the needle in. He then promptly takes it out to switch it with the accessory.

Skull lifts a mirror to the young boy’s face after finishing his work; ‘’ Hope you like it. Don’t mention me to your doctor if it gets infected. ‘’

He adds; ‘’ As for my name… I refuse to carry one. ‘’

Haruya extends him the money; ‘’ _Skull-san,_ I said you must _have_ a name. We don’t _carry_ our names like shopping bags. We’re given them. I am Haruya. I became Haruya because my mother told me to. ‘’

Skull counts the money, then extends the half of it back; to which, Haruya seems surprised to receive. But unbeknownst to him, Mizuki has paid half the charge beforehand.

Haruya wraps his fingers around the money in between the man’s fingers. There, Skull says something to him, looking right into his eyes;

‘’You didn’t become the person you are because you were given a name, or because you were raised in a specific way. _Nothing_ _in this life has to define you_. ‘’

He adds; ‘’ But it can define you, _Haruya._ If you let it. ‘’

‘’ Oi, redhead asshole. Who did you drag here with you, huh? He looks like a proper kid too... ‘’

Comes a growly voice from a muscular boy. He is wearing all black and has the most insane mullet hair Haruya has ever seen; with the top slicked back and a rattail braid going down to his spine.

Haruya studies his slightly swollen under-eyes, and the bruises scattered on his rough face. He knows this is the face of someone who has taken a hard beating recently.

Mizuki narrows his eyes when he sees him but his smirk stays unchanged; ‘’ I wouldn’t talk like that, _Aozaki._ We tried to mess with him a few weeks ago and he swept the pavements with my gang. ‘’

By then, Haruya has thanked Skull and walked to stand next to the red-haired delinquent.

Aozaki lifts a brow up and turns his eyes to him; ‘’ Is that so? Whoever kicks this bastard’s, or his stupid gang’s ass, I consider a friend. I’m Aozaki. I go to the all-boys school in the West. Do you know there? ‘’

‘’ I do. I’ve also heard of your reputation. ‘’ Haruya sends Mizuki a dirty look and adds; ‘’ _You have my respect, Aozaki-kun._ I’m Shiki Haruya. ‘’

Mizuki looks _absolutely betrayed_ on that. But he recovers quickly and asks; ‘’ Say Ao, will you be able to graduate this year? ‘’ His tone has that tiny lilt of snobbishness in it and he is lucky that Aozaki is a bit drunk to notice it.

Aozaki rubs his eyes and gives a nod; ‘’ Yeah. The teachers had a meeting and decided to pass me from all of the classes I failed. ‘’

‘’ What’re you planning to do after? Continue fighting? ‘’ Mizuki is surprised to hear Aozaki chuckle then. Must be the alcohol. Meanwhile, Haruya looks around, uninterested in their conversation.

‘’ I’m going to start working as the janitor at the school’s dormitory. I ain’t leaving my room there, see? They can’t get rid of me that easily. ‘’ After that, Aozaki’s face gets serious.

He makes eye contact with Mizuki;

‘’ I have something to talk to you about. Mind coming over here a bit? ‘’ He points one of the vacant tables not so far from them.

Mizuki leans in Haruya’s ear and mumbles; _‘’ Give me five minutes. I’ve never seen him this serious before. ‘’_ Haruya nods.

Mizuki picks up a chair thrown onto the ground and settles across Aozaki.

Haruya goes back to Skull’s corner. Skull shows him a drawer full of books, telling him he can take whichever book he wants with him and then this place feels like _paradise_ to Haruya.

**﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏**

_Aozaki Shuu._ In a few months, it will be legal for him to drink. To get drunk, even though he _is_ right now. He is a fighter. He’s been fighting in the most vicious underground rings for the past two years, has won all of his fights except the last one that put him into the hospital for a week.

After his hospital stay, Aozaki returned to his tiny dorm room that he shared with three other boys. While trying to heal, he beat two of his roommates, then spared the third one because he doesn’t make as much noise.

Ever since that fight, Aozaki hears distant echoes when he knits his brows and focuses. He hears people yell; _‘’ Wreck his face, don’t let that bastard get outta here alive! ‘’_

Now in _tengoku_ , Aozaki stares at his hands and realizes his knuckles still hurt when he curls his hands into fists; ‘’ Promoters want to organize another fight for the next month. Here. ‘’ He lifts his eyes to the redhaired boy across him; ‘’ If you want to fight with me, see the underground ring for yourself, I can make it happen. ‘’

Mizuki’s expression stays cold. He takes a while to speak;

‘’ Na Aozaki, you’re aware that these _‘promoters’_ of yours made you fight twelve rounds with a guy twice your size just a few weeks ago. Right? ‘’ He tells him; ‘’ Starting from the sixth round, _your opponent had something under his gloves. He was cheating,_ there’s no way they didn’t know that. ‘’

_‘’ Are you aware? ‘’_

Aozaki leans back in his chair and escapes his gaze.

Mizuki puts his one hand onto the table and stretches his upper body closer to him; ‘’ And why did they even bother putting that fucking referee in there? You were down the entirety of the twelfth round, why didn’t he stop the fight? ‘’

Mizuki tries to catch his eyes, but Aozaki keeps them down; ‘’ _Look at me._ _You weren’t moving Aozaki,_ and he still didn’t stop the fucking fight! ‘’

‘’ Keep your voice low. I don’t want to start anything and disrespect Skull. ‘’ Aozaki warns him.

Mizuki aggressively lights himself a cigarette and then sends the package towards him, along with a lighter. Aozaki catches them.

‘’ Now tell me why do you _still_ want to fight in their vile system. ‘’ Aozaki opens his mouth to say _‘’ for money ‘’_ , but Mizuki lifts a finger up in his face and stops him; ‘’ Don’t say money. Your gang works dirty but they work hard. You have money. I’d lend you money if you really needed it. ‘’

After some consideration, Aozaki takes one of Mizuki’s cigarettes and lights it. What he wants to tell him is precisely this actually; _‘’ Look at me. Look at my face. Do you think I’ll see my thirties? Might as well flick the lights off fighting. People would remember me. Maybe; then. ‘’_

Except, he stays silent.

‘’ While you were lying on the floor unconscious, your promoters moved onto the next fight. Skull took you to the hospital-- ‘’

‘’ I remember, idiot. I was in all that pain. ‘’ He retorts; ‘’ You’re not fighting with me. We got it for fuck’s sake. What about that big guy in your gang? Would he be interested? ‘’

Mizuki is so tense that he laughs while rubbing his eyes; ‘’ _Kanzaki?_ He once came to me crying because he gave a cat some food and the cat ate from it. _They bonded, apparently._ He won’t fight you.’’

Mizuki fixes a sharp gaze on Aozaki and adds; ‘’ I wouldn’t let him step on that ring either. ‘’

Then a woman approaches their desk. A beautiful woman, maybe in her mid-twenties. Her slightly grown-out buzz cut hair and bold lipstick demand attention, together with the giant silver hoops on her ears. But she carries it all so naturally. She’s thrown a black leather jacket over her shoulders.

Mizuki watches her as she gently places her hand on Aozaki’s shoulder and hands him a beer; ‘’ ‘’ Aren’t you coming? We’re having fun over there. ‘’

Mizuki holds his _‘’ I cannot fucking believe you, Aozaki. ‘’_ in until she is gone

She whispers something into Aozaki’s ear and he discreetly gives her some money. Then she leaves, her fingers briefly touching Aozaki’s thin rattail braid.

Aozaki takes a big sip from his beer; ‘’ Say one disrespectful thing and I’ll dislocate your chin, Akabayashi. ‘’

Mizuki isn’t about to do such a thing, though. Because he sees the way Aozaki’s dark eyes soften when he looks after her; _‘’ She’s a fighter too. ‘’_ He mumbles, for some reason making Mizuki think that he’s not talking literally.

He makes a mental note to learn who she is. Maybe she can convince him to stop.

By the time Mizuki returns to Haruya’s side, the punk band has left their place to an acoustic singer who spits out thought-provoking lyrics such as;

_‘’ There is no right or wrong. I don’t know which scares me more. All things must past, even this world. ‘’_

Haruya and Skull are in the middle of a conversation, both have a pile of books on their knees. Skull looks challenged but happy while answering the other’s smart questions.

Mizuki is happy to see his classmate enjoying himself.

‘’ I was fascinated when I read _Proudhon_ for the first time. _‘’ What is Property? ‘’_ for example. ‘’ Skull digs out a thin book from his collection inside a dusty drawer and extends it to the high schooler; ‘’ Though _Kropotkin_ might be a bit easier to understand for you. For now. ‘’

Mizuki taps on Haruya’s shoulder; ‘’ Sorry to interrupt. ‘’ He says and looks at Haruya; ‘’ We can go or hang out a bit more. You decide. ‘’

Haruya squeezes two books on anarchism under his right arm stands up from his chair; ‘’ We should go. It’s late and... this place is a bit too odd for my taste. ‘’

He adds; ‘’ No offence, Skull-san. ‘’

Skull waves them off after reminding Mizuki to ride safely.

On their way out, Mizuki and Haruya pass by two grown men standing with their backs leaned to a column near the stage. They are hand in hand, looking deep into each other’s eyes, and never before the two teenagers have seen a man look with such affection at one another.

They come eye-to-eye. Haruya feels his cheeks flush and lifts his new books up to his face. Mizuki awkwardly clears his throat.

Outside, a bright moon and a refreshing wind greet them. The wind is cradling the crops surrounding the apartments. Haruya asks if he could smoke a cigarette before they get on the road.

Smiling, Mizuki extends him the package. It’s hard to resist such a sweet offer.

Sitting on the ground near the motorcycle, they close their eyes and listen to the sound of the wind as their cigarettes release smoke in between their fingers.

Haruya breaks the silence;

‘’ I thought you and Aozaki Shuu were rivals. You looked like you were worried about him. ‘’

‘’ It’s complicated. ‘’ Mizuki chews on his bottom lip and stares at a distance before deciding to briefly let Haruya know about the vicious underground rings Aozaki fights in. He doesn’t forget to add the happenings in his latest fight and says;

‘’ He might be an asshole to me and everyone around him. But that night I dragged him out of the ring along with Skull. And...’’ He shrugs; _‘_ ’ _I just think that no one deserves to be hurt like that, Haruya-kun. ‘’_

‘’ Sometimes things that we don’t deserve happen to us. ‘’ Haruya tells him.

Mizuki considers that sentence for a while, taking short drags from his cigarette and keeping his gaze on Haruya;

‘’ You sure love to say deep shit like that and stay mysterious. You’re fun to hang out with, Haruya-kun, really. But I’d appreciate if you opened up a bit… You know?’’

Haruya tips his head back and looks at the stars adorning the sky; ‘’ What do you want to know about me? ‘’ He says and brings his cigarette to his lips.

Mizuki knows he shouldn’t be saying his upcoming sentences. But sometimes his curiosity weighs heavier than his judgement;

‘’ Since the first year of high school, you’ve been skipping classes for a few days. It happens every month or so, and then you come back with bruises on your face. ‘’

He adds; ‘’ Sometimes I ask around if you had fought with someone and took a punch or two, but no…’’

Haruya bites his bottom lip and stays silent.

Mizuki turns his head to him, putting off his cigarette on the ground; ‘’ People are talking and I’ve heard _not so nice things._ ‘’

Haruya stays silent for a few minutes. He recalls the conversation he had with Skull back inside Tengoku, particularly the part where he told him; _‘’ Nothing in this life has to define you. ‘’_

Then he surprises Mizuki with a string of sentences;

‘’ I can read simple English books. I like grape juice and the coffee my mom makes when we both wake up early. Birds interest me, because they are freer than I am. And my favourite colour is white because it looks clean. ‘’

They come eye-to-eye;

‘’ I asked you what you wanted to know about me. _My bruises don’t define me._ They are not who I am. ‘’ Haruya furrows his brows; ‘’ I’m going through things, but I’m trying to not let them be a part of me that I can’t get over in the future. ‘’

‘’ That’s why I am hanging out with you. To take my mind off of things. Do you understand me, Akabayashi-kun? ‘’

Mizuki nods, an uncomfortable feeling growing in his chest; ‘’ I do. I shouldn’t have shifted the conversation there, I’m sorry. ‘’

Haruya stands up; ‘’ We should go now. ‘’

Throughout the ride back to the town, Mizuki feels like headbutting the nearest wall once they’re off. He offers to drop Haruya to where he lives, he refuses, so he stops the motorcycle by an empty pavement.

He gets off with him with the question _‘’ Are we still good? ‘’_ on the tip of his tongue. They stand under a street lamp, but before Mizuki can speak, Haruya softly nudges the hem of his jeans with his shoe;

‘’ You didn’t tell me if my piercing looks good or not. ‘’ He points at his ear.

Mizuki’s eyes light up instantly; ‘’ Looks so cool with the scar. ‘’ He smiles like an idiot and extends his fingers to touch it, but then draws his hand back and massages the back of his neck instead.

‘’ Fight harder and maybe you’d get a cool scar too, one day. ‘’ Haruya jokes, smirking at him; ‘’ Good night, Akabayashi-kun. ‘’

Mizuki walks to his borrowed motorcycle, but changes his mind right before he gets on it.

He turns back;

‘’ Na Haruya-kun, You sure we’re still g--‘’

Mizuki stiffens when Haruya wraps his arms around his leather jacket; ‘’ Holding your hand truly is like going on an adventure, Akabayashi-kun. ‘’

‘’ We’re good. Decide when and where we start studying so that you don’t fail the classes. ‘’

_V. Touch_

In a town as small as theirs, it wasn’t hard for Mizuki to track down a woman who looks like her.

When she walks into the café, it is with confident steps. She isn’t afraid to look right into the eyes of whoever dares to scrutinize her appearance _-striking lipstick, earrings reaching down to the shoulders of her black leather jacket, and her buzzcut hair-_ be it disapprovingly or with harmless curiosity.

Mizuki makes his spot known by lifting a hand up from the table he’s chosen. She orders tea and chit-chats about the weather until a waiter places a cup of tea in front of her. Then she smiles at Mizuki, resting her chin on her palm;

‘’ Why have you been asking people about me, child? ‘’

Her smile isn’t a sincere one per se, but her _‘’child’’_ doesn’t sound like an insult either.

‘’ I’ve come to talk to you about Aozaki, _Kaneko-san._ ‘’ Mizuki has made plans to meet Haruya after this, so he directly gets to the point;

‘’ He still wants to fight after what happened in his last match. The people steering him don’t care if he ends up permanently injured, or dead. ‘’

‘’ But he doesn’t care, and I’ve come to ask you to talk him out of this. ‘’ Mizuki adds a sympathetic tilt of his head to give the full effect; ‘’ You see, my dumb _friend_ lacks the drive to hold on to life, a bit. ‘’

She patiently listens to what he has to say, but it is after Mizuki’s last sentence that a hint of concern passes her features.

She clasps her fingers around her teacup; ‘’ Why ask me, though? ‘’

On that, Mizuki scrunches up his face and tugs at his earlobe; ‘’ Uh…because he seems to care about you? ‘’

She lifts a brow up; ‘’ I.. didn’t know. ‘’ Then she appears to be thinking about something else, causing a long silence to fall between them.

It is during that silence where Mizuki makes the mistake of mumbling; _‘’ I mean you take his money, you could at least talk to him. ‘’_

She narrows her eyes at him. Mizuki purses his lips as if to whisper _‘’ Shit, shouldn’t have said that. ‘’_

He decides to distract her from his mistake by asking; ‘’ Nee-san. Ao told me you were a fighter. Are you, actually? ‘’

At first, she looks confused on that; ‘’ No. ‘’ She replies quickly. But then her expression softens, and she gives a soft laugh, travelling her hand on her head; ‘’ I beat cancer a few years ago. Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I’ve spoken of it in one of our conversations, he might be referring to that. ‘’

She shakes her head then; ‘’ Funny kid. ‘’

 _Oh._ ‘’ You shouldn’t be hanging in Skull’s place then. People drink, smoke, sometimes even do drugs there. ‘’ Mizuki says. _Distraction, successful._

She lifts her teacup and takes a sip; ‘’ Sure, that place can be harmful to my health, but I don’t smoke. Sometimes I take a few sips of beer and pass the bottle to someone else, as you saw me doing there. ‘’

She then adds; ‘’ And the money I took from Ao…I had to lend whatever I had on me that night to a friend, but then I myself had to have some money to return to the town so I asked some from him.’’

‘’ And I paid it back the next day. ‘’

Mizuki escapes his gaze as she stands up to leave;

‘’ _I’ll talk to him_. Not because I’m sleeping with him and accepting money from him. I’m twenty-five years old. He isn’t even twenty yet, and still in school, just like you. ‘’ Then she flicks the fee for the tea she barely drunk onto the table;

‘’ I’m going to make sure he’s safe, because he’s a fun person to chat with, and acts like himself. ‘’

Lastly, she lifts a finger gun to Mizuki’s direction and blinks at him; _‘’ Unlike you, child. ‘’_

**﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏**

Mizuki’s study table faces a wide, double-curtained window and Haruya deems that might be a distraction. The table itself is wiped clean very recently, evident by the still-damp cleaning cloth left on the windowsill.

While waiting for Mizuki to come back from the kitchen, Haruya glances around the room from the chair he’s sitting. The effort to make the room seem tidy, without a doubt, is _there._ The bed is made, though the sheets look asymmetrical. There isn’t any clothing on the loose anywhere except he can spot a pair of jeans and a jacket sleeve pushing the wardrobe doors ajar. Finally, there is a towel thrown on top of two of 8kg dumbbells.

Improvable, but he can work with this for now.

Maybe they do some cleaning after their study session.

Mizuki returns with two glasses of grape juice in his hands; ‘’ I’ve never tried this before but I bought some because you said you like it. ‘’ He places the glasses down and settles to the chair next to him. Eagerly, he brings the glass to his lips and takes a sip.

He nods to himself then; ‘’ Disgusting. Impressively so. I can feel the sugar in my sinuses, Haruya-kun. How do you drink this? ‘’ Haruya huffs a laugh at him and pulls his bag onto his knees to take out his English textbook.

Mizuki cringes visibly when Haruya gulps down the contents of his glass in one go.

‘’ You did that to disturb me. ‘’

‘’ Maybe. I can drink yours too. ‘’

Mizuki shakes his head and pushes his glass in front of Haruya; ‘’ Please do. I’ll just stick with good old orange juice. ‘’ After spreading his own textbook open, he pulls himself a pencil out of a pencil holder littered with torn paper, uncapped and abandoned gel pens and a toothbrush.

Haruya sneaks a look to him under his lashes; ‘’ Akabayashi-kun, did you cleaned your room because I was coming today? ‘’ 

‘’ Uh-huh. Because I know you’re a cleaning freak. ‘’

‘’ Then try harder next time. ‘’

Haruya makes sure Mizuki has opened the same page as him;

‘’ In our schools, English isn’t taught us in the way we can use it in real life. This is unfortunate and a waste of time, but makes the tests guessable. ‘’

‘’ We have three chapters to learn until the test. I’ve written down sixteen grammar rules and there are some words to memorize…’’

Then he goes on and on, and Mizuki feels himself getting lost in the ups and downs of his voice, his clean and proper Japanese, and stares at his lips throughout their study session in a dreamy state—

 _Except,_ they are here to learn the contents of that textbook and Haruya doesn’t shy away from tugging at Mizuki’s hair whenever he catches him distracted.

It takes thirty minutes until Mizuki starts shifting uncomfortably in his chair. And after an hour of work, he releases his head onto the desk and starts whining; ‘’ I’m hungry, Haruya-kuun _~_ I can’t work like this. ‘’

‘’ I’m dying. ‘’ The other lets out a sigh and puts his mechanical pencil aside;

‘’ Would some pasta make you study for another hour? ‘’ He asks and gets a pair of starry eyes and eager nodding in return.

Mizuki’s mother is at work, so they have the kitchen for themselves. With impressive teamwork, they put down two steaming hot plates of spaghetti with tomato sauce onto the kitchen table in no more than twenty minutes, and start eating.

Mizuki doesn’t try to cover the sour face he makes while watching Haruya drink another glass of grape juice.

He then asks something after a hesitance;

‘’ Na Haruya-kun. Do you think I don’t act like myself sometimes, like I put on a mask? ‘’

‘’ Yes. ‘’ Haruya straight-out says while twirling some spaghetti against his spoon; ‘’ But I could help you better if I knew the context of your question. ‘’

‘’ Be honest. I am I more immature than, _say_ , Aozaki? ‘’ Haruya puts down his fork and looks at him on that;

‘’ Well, I don’t know how does that two questions correlate, but first, I am always honest. Second, Aozaki-kun is almost twenty, so it is understandable that he acts a bit more mature. ‘’

‘’ But sometimes two people who are in the same age might not carry the same level of maturity either. Like you and me. ‘’ He points his fork in Mizuki’s direction; ‘’ I’m more mature than you. ‘’

‘’ I got you a plushie. ‘’

‘’ And it makes a nice pillow. My point is that everyone should mature at their own pace, Akabayashi-kun. And while we do, we sometimes feel the need to hide behind masks. That way it is safer to struggle as we grow up. ‘’

**﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏**

Weeks progress. As the exam season approaches closer, Haruya starts visiting Mizuki’s house two times a week to help him study. Nowadays their shoulders brush more often, accidental touches to each other’s hands when one of them moves to take the eraser on the table happens more than once.

The afternoon sun falls on Haruya’s hands, his face. Mizuki swears the sun moves more gently when it meets his features.

He wants to kiss him under that light. He wants this so sincerely.

Today the chosen subject to study is Philosophy.

‘’ You know everything is made of atoms, right? We actually find the roots of that idea and the term _‘’atomos’’_ , meaning indivisible, in Ancient Greece. Thought by a philosopher named Democritus. ‘’

‘’ I’m sure this name will come up in the test so make sure you can spell it out in katakana. ‘’

‘’ _L-Letasu..Democritasu.._ Democritus. Got it. ‘’ Mizuki mumbles, gazing outside the window with his one hand resting against his left cheek. Haruya takes a moment to study how long and dense his lashes are, giving his eyes a specific beauty which Haruya likes to gaze at when he is unaware.

Mizuki turns his head and meets his eyes like he’s heard his thoughts. Haruya feels his heartbeats fasten and trip on one another.

‘’ So, this Democri guy came up with a whacky idea and we’re still going with it? ‘’ Mizuki takes Haruya’s mechanical pencil and lifts it up to the sunlight coming in from the window;

‘’ Before there were pencils like this, or arcades, or ice skates, he knew that they were made of atoms? ‘’

‘’ I suppose you can say so. ‘’

The red-haired boy lets out a long sigh and leans back in his chair; ‘’ My guy Democritasu didn’t just think of atoms. I think he found a way to make himself a God. ‘’

Mizuki’s sentences intrigues Haruya. He turns his brown eyes towards the window to think.

There, Mizuki sets his two fingers up on the warm surface of the desk and walks them until he reaches Haruya’s hand resting there. Now his fingertips are on the ridge of his knuckles.

 _Knock knock;_ ‘’ So, our hands are made of atoms? ‘’ He asks.

Haruya doesn’t pull his hand back just yet but lifts a brow up; ‘’ Yes, they are. ‘’

Mizuki leans a bit sideways so that their shoulders are touching; ‘’ And your lips? ‘’

A dangerous smirk takes shape on Haruya’s lips but the instantaneous blushing on his cheeks is unmistakable as he says; ‘’ That’s right. And? ‘’

 _‘’ I don’t know… that sounds a bit like bullshit. ‘’_ Smiling, Mizuki looks into Haruya’s eyes and gives a tiny bump against his forehead; ‘’ Gotta check for myself. ‘’

When Haruya lifts his face up and stares at him with a partly unguarded expression, he asks;

‘’ Can I kiss you, _Haruya?_ ‘’

Haruya doesn’t give a reply and makes the initial move for the desired action instead. First comes a short, explorative lock of lips, then Mizuki closes his palm against Haruya’s cheek and kisses him deep, warm and sincere.

And it feels _amazing._ Once they separate, Mizuki is left feeling like someone is pricking his limbs with a fork, and he knows he wants _more._

They look down and stay silent for a moment.

‘’ S-So? What’s your evaluation, Mizuki-kun? ‘’

‘’ Uh- yeah you sure taste- ‘’ Mizuki pauses as he’s still in the effect of the other’s lips. Then with a stupid smile on his face, he says; ‘’ You taste atom-y, Haruya-kun. ‘’

‘’ I like the grape juice now. ‘’

Haruya snorts; ‘’ Dumbass. ‘’ Then he realigns his philosophy textbook to resume studying;

‘’ Other than Democritus, _uh_ , there are few more names to know. A-Also, you should be able to briefly summarize their ideas. ‘’

Mizuki tries to pay attention to what he’s telling instead of the way he’s started stuttering after the kiss. How a deep red colour has settled onto his bony cheeks.

He makes an eager move down to catch his lips once more, and then feels Haruya’s mechanical pencil _lightly_ stabbing him on the stomach;

‘’ I’ve been stabbed. I repeat, I’m down. ‘’

‘’ You may get another kiss if you solve the questions at the end of the chapter. ‘’ The ink-haired boy tells him, showing him the said questions; ‘’ I’ll be reading my book while you.. _work for it._ ‘’

**﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏﹏**

Doing good on the tests also involve paying attention to the class. Mizuki has been made aware of that. And he’s trying his best since Haruya is using his lips as bribe but also, turns his sharp eyes to him every now and then during class to make sure he’s listening to the teacher.

He is. Only, Mizuki can’t clearly see the grammar rules she’s writing onto the blackboard. His yet-to-be diagnosed near-sightedness has gotten worse lately.

He contemplates waking up the student next to him and then _softly bullying_ him into copying what’s being written onto the blackboard. But he’s _smiling_ in his slumber, and drooling onto the desk. Lovely.

In the end, he doesn’t disturb him because he’s not _Haruya._

Once the class is over, they snuck into the rooftop to eat lunch. There, Haruya asks him why he was squinting at the board during class.

Mizuki makes the mistake of being honest as he really wants one of Haruya’s rice-cakes.

_Today his mother had left two carrots on the kitchen table. For him, as lunch. Along with an apologetic piece of paper that Mizuki no longer cares to pick up and read._

_Mizuki did take the carrots with him to school, even while mumbling; ‘’ I am I a horse, ma? ‘’_

He tells Haruya that his eyesight has always been bad to a degree, but has worsened recently.

And he gets his rice-cake _like a good boy_. Haruya even whispers it while extending the food to him.

‘’ You can get a pair of glasses. ‘’ He offers also.

‘’ Nah. Glasses are lame. And there’s nothing I particularly need to see except for the blackboard. Ain’t worth it. ‘’ _That, and he thinks he wouldn’t look handsome at all if he wore glasses._

Holding his bird shaped lunch box in his lap, Haruya bows his head and whispers melancholically; ‘’ What if your eyesight worsens and one day you can’t see me clearly, Mizuki-kun? ‘’ The wind tousles his hair then, creating a heart-touching scene.

Even mother nature helps him in his manipulative tactics. 

It’s not like Mizuki has told him that he is _deeply fond of him,_ that he is sure this must be what they call _love_ , but Haruya already knows. And he goes and uses his feelings evilly like that. For Mizuki’s own good.

_Hold on._

‘’ I can see you, and the rice on the side of your lip nicely, Haruya-kun. ‘’ He extends his fingers to his classmate’s mouth and brushes the rice off, adding a small nose-flick after; ‘’ Good try. I’m not getting glasses. ‘’

‘’ Ouw. Bastard. ‘’ Haruya replies this vile attack by kicking Mizuki’s shoes with his own while rubbing his nose; ‘’ I’ll talk to _Nagahara-sensei_ to change your seat then. ‘’

Mizuki shrugs; ‘’ Teachers don’t care about students like me. I haven’t caused anything inside the school borders for a while now, but I’m still a hopeless case for them, you know? ‘’

_‘’ You deserve a chance. ‘’_

Mizuki stops eating and looks at him with wide eyes. _Does he?_

_But he thought he was a horse?_

There is a smile on his face then.

* * *

Nagahara-sensei is their mathematics teacher, but also the teacher responsible for the entirety of the class 10-B. If a student has a problem, it’s his responsibility to take steps to solve it. Nagahara-sensei wears dark-coloured suits in contrast to the other teachers who prefer to be more casual. And he generally looks _very_ tired.

They have mathematics as the last session on Mondays. Students look like they want to jump off from the nearest window. Nagahara-sensei too.

Before the class starts, Haruya informs him that there’s a matter he’d like to consult to him after class.

After the last bell rings, Nagahara waits in the classroom together with Haruya until the rest of the students leave.

Mizuki walks out too.

Haruya explains Mizuki’s situation and requests him to change his seat to somewhere he can see the board better.

Nagahara-sensei presses his hand to his one cheek and looks thoughtful;

‘’ I don’t know if I want to do that for Akabayashi-kun. ‘’ He says, immediately making Haruya’s brows furrow; ‘’ He’s never been an easy student _to manage_. ‘’

_And you have to understand that, before Mizuki had a gang, Nagahara had fine black hair and no under-eye bags._ Still, Haruya gets a bit angry. His _‘’a bit angry’’_ though, ends up with him throwing a bold monologue at his teacher;

‘’ With respect, Nagahara-sensei, but can a teacher give up on a student who’s willing to do better in the future? I’ll ask you to recall a teacher’s duties. ‘’ He looks at him right in the eye; ‘’ Your attitude only goes to show that teachers really are hypocrites. ‘’

His hand curls into a fist as he lowers his gaze to his desk; ‘’ Your students get bullied horribly; none of you do anything. Because if a student isn’t perfect by _society’s_ _standards_ , they get overlooked. Worse, ignored. ‘’

He turns his head to the window and sees a red mop of hair waiting for him at the school gates; ‘’ I came to your class once. My face was in bruises. You didn’t look my way that entire week when we had classes. ‘’

‘’ I concluded even good grades don’t save me from being made into a ghost, so I’ve stopped trying in your class. ‘’

Nagahara leans back in his chair, letting out a long sigh. He ties his arms over his chest and asks; ‘’ What do you want me to do, Haruya-kun? ‘’

‘’ I’m not asking anything for myself. Give my friend a chance. ‘’ Then he’s surprised to see the hint of a smile on his teacher’s face;

‘’ I will. But I expect Mizuki-kun to get at least a B on the tests for the classes he’s failing _and mine._ The same goes for you too. ‘’ He then adds with a sincere gaze; ‘’ I’m sorry I ignored you. I won’t do it again. ‘’

Nagahara turns his gaze to the window and nods to himself;

‘’ When you’re a teacher for such a long time, you begin to follow other people’s stance instead of being brave and taking this sacred job seriously. ‘’

 _Now, crying in front of your teacher might be the lamest thing you can do._ But as long as Nagahara-sensei says; ‘’ I apologize for ignoring your pain. ‘’ Haruya’s tears start dropping onto his school pants.

‘’ And one more thing, Haruya-kun. ‘’

He quickly dries them off using the sleeve of his school jacket.

‘’ Yes, sensei? ‘’ Haruya asks, his voice meek.

Nagahara points at his ear; ‘’ Piercings are against the school’s dress code. Looks cool, but don’t wear it to school. ‘’

Haruya nods and Nagahara stands up to leave, taking his leather briefcase with him;

‘’ There is a future here. A bright one. ‘’ He mumbles to himself just out of the door.

Haruya breaks into sobs after him, _because he hardly feels like there is a good future ahead of him._

* * *

When Haruya comes unannounced and front kicks his backpack, Mizuki stumbles forward and almost swallows the ice pop in his hand as a whole.

 _‘’ Oi. ‘’_ He turns and immediately throws the ice aside to take Haruya’s face in between his palms; ‘’ Have you cried, Haruya!? ‘’

‘’ You’ll be able to see the board from now on and keep your charisma. ‘’ _Unlike me._ Haruya sniffs, staring up at the sky and blinking his eyes furiously; ‘’ Buy me grape juice, bastard. I want two packs. ‘’

 _‘’ Aww- ‘’_ Mizuki lets out, tilting his head; ‘’ This bastard will buy you all the grape juice in the world. You just don’t cry _Har-ngh_ ‘’

He really knows where to aim that bony knee of his.

They decide to stroll around at the shopping street to kill time before dusk falls. The weather has worsened since the morning. The sky is cloudy, giving the establishments a darker hue.

Mizuki closes his eyes for a moment and takes the smell of distant rain into his lungs.

Haruya looks _adorable_ with a juice box dangling from his lips by just the straw.

They pass the town’s only -relatively- big bookstore where books are sold twice the price of what they’re worth. There, Haruya stops and makes a squeaky noise _-it sounds scaringly close to the squeak the girls in the class let out when they see a pretty lipstick in an Avon catalogue._ He spins back in the direction of the bookstore and crouches down facing the storefront.

He’d noticed the giant, hardcover copy of _Encyclopaedia of East Asia Birds_ displayed behind the glass. Holding back a laugh, Mizuki stands next to him and looks at Haruya’s sparkly eyes;

‘’ Wanna go inside and check it out? ‘’

Haruya shakes his head though, and sighs; ‘’ Don’t even bother. Look at for how much they’re selling it. ‘’ He sticks his fingertip to the glass to show him the price written next to it.

‘’ Whoa. ‘’ _That’s a lot for a heavy book._ Mizuki is sure he could find it half the price in bigger cities. If he could travel to those cities, that is.

‘’ Does it do our laundry too? ‘’ He jokes instead.

Haruya chuckles on that and stands up;

‘’ Well, _it’s beautiful._ But we can’t always have what we want. ‘’ He throws his empty juice box into a trashcan.

That puts a sad look on Mizuki’s face. He wants to give Haruya whatever his heart desires. Because he deserves it so much;

‘’ I’m broke nowadays but I can ask some money from my mother if you want it so much? ‘’

‘’ _Don’t even dare._ Our mothers are working hard for that money while we’re killing time here. Let’s go to study. ‘’

* * *

So far, Mizuki has learned that Haruya is living with his mother alone -just like Mizuki himself-. He has to rely on her financially until he graduates from high school. Haruya wants to drop out to get a job, but she doesn’t let him.

Haruya's father is a truck driver. After his mother divorced his father, they moved to Oita to start everything anew.

 _But they couldn’t._ Because his father has tracked down their address in Oita…

Time to time his father visits the town, harassing the mother and his son before getting back on the road across the country. Haruya’s left out this part. Mizuki listened to the gossip and put the pieces together. 

Haruya has been getting those bruises from his father. For God knows how long.

Mizuki’s shared with him that when he was twelve, his father went to Germany for a business-related event and decided to move there for work. Mizuki regularly got letters from him, some packages with chocolate and gifts in it. But after two years, his father stopped contacting them.

Mizuki didn’t share how lost and confused he’s been feeling ever since his father abandoned him.

* * *

Today, the school’s baseball team cancelled their after-school practice. Because there is a fight _scheduled_ on the baseball field.

Yoshio has his paid goons behind him. About fifteen delinquents. Against him, Junkichi has let the word out that whoever owes him money could join him in this fight to get their debt erased. He has the quantitative advantage as way more than fifteen people are indebted to him from illegal baseball bets. That said, they don’t look in shape compared to Yoshio’s boys.

Mizuki is watching them from the seats looking at the baseball field.

Haruya arrives and takes a seat next to him;

‘’ Why were they fighting again? ‘’

‘’ For the leadership of the gang. ‘’

‘’ So you’re closing this chapter. ‘’ Haruya turns his eyes to him; ‘’ You sure? I know you’ve fought hard to build the reputation of your gang. ‘’

‘’ I did it because I was bored. ‘’ Mizuki replies, sending him a bright smile; ‘’ I won’t regret it. I don’t get bored when I’m with you. ‘’

Haruya nods, gazing into his eyes.

As the two lovebirds coo at each other, necessary insulting happens between rival parties on the baseball field. The boys start swinging fists, yelling. There are no sharp knives on sight yet but plenty of baseball bats accompanying fragile knuckles.

It’s a complete chaos where you can hardly see who you are beating.

‘’ Where’s Kanzaki, won’t he be joining them? ‘’ Haruya asks, cringing when Junkichi blocks a baseball bat with his arm.

‘’ Well, he would deck them all if he joined. I’ve sent him to get us some snacks. ‘’ He waves his hand to the big body climbing the steps carrying a plastic bag;

‘’ There he comes. ‘’

After that; a giant boy, a fake redhead and a broomstick-looking high schooler simultaneously open three cans of Coca-Cola and place bets on who’ll be on their feet when the fight ends.

‘’ So, you’re not interested in taking over the gang, huh, Kanzaki-kun? ‘’ Haruya asks, taking a sip from his drink.

Kanzaki’s muscular built barely fits to the seating. He furrows his brows as he watches Yoshio and Junkichi throw punches at each other’s face, fall down, then stand up and do it again;

‘’ No. They’re my friends. My mother told me I shouldn’t beat my friends. ‘’ He adds, looking at Haruya and Mizuki; ‘’ Chief. Haruya-kun. You are my friends, too. Everyone can be my friend. ‘’

Mizuki nudges Haruya with his elbow; ‘’ See, how smart he is? Wish Aozaki was as mild-tempered as him. ‘’

‘’ Speaking of Aozaki, I’ve heard he’s stopped fighting in those shady rings.’’ Haruya accepts the salty snacks Mizuki extends to him; ‘’ Did you talk him out? ‘’

Mizuki smirks smugly; ‘’ Nope. He doesn’t respect me enough to listen to me. ‘’ He puts his hands behind his head and stretches on his seat like a cat under the sun; 

‘’ He’s crushin’ on this cool-looking woman who’s _way_ out of his league, alright? I convinced her to talk to him. ‘’

Mizuki bumps his knee to Haruya’s; ‘’ The big meanie’s crushing hard, Haru. ‘’

Mizuki _revels_ in gossip. Haruya shrugs;

‘’ Well, all of us have a heart to love. He can too I suppose, even with _that_ haircut. ‘’

His sentence has Mizuki bent over laughing for a solid five minutes, holding his tummy tightly.

_The sun is on the horizon. About ten exhausted bodies are laying on the field, the rest has stumbled their way out of this fight an hour ago._

‘’ You fought hard. You really did. ‘’ Yoshio mutters, blood pouring down from his nose and split lip; ‘’ Didn’t know you had the balls, Junkichi.’’

Junkichi looks hurt too. It’s in his eyes. He flicks open his switchblade while staggering on his feet;

‘’ Let’s finish this, Yoshio. ‘’ He growls.

‘’ Yeah. ‘’

Yoshio squeezes his fist and sends it towards him. At the same time Junkichi lifts his arm up to swing his blade—

Just before landing the blow, Yoshio trips and falls. Then Junkichi loses his balance and drops face-down onto the ground when his switchblade meets the air instead of him. They don’t move after that.

‘’ Ah. We all lost the bet. ‘’ Haruya announces.

Without saying a word, Kanzaki stands up and makes his way down to the field. There, he throws Junkichi over his left shoulder and grabs Yoshio from his school jacket and lifts him up.

‘’ I’ll drop them off at the hospital, chief. Goodbye, Haruya-kun. ‘’ He tells them.

The lovebirds wave after him.

Staring at the orange beams of the sunset, Haruya asks;

‘’ So, who won? ‘’

Mizuki smirks, his eyes sharp; ‘’ When we fight? ‘’ He asks and replies his own question;

‘’ Our youth. ‘’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I knew English, honestly. Or at least had some sense of tense agreement.  
> I did try. I literally sat down and studied grammar but still couldn't understand shit.  
> :ı
> 
> ''As wings that have the power to free one would only be a heaviness on one’s back if something kept you from using them.'' This sentence is inspired by a Marina Tsvetaeva quote that goes like;  
> '' Wings are freedom only when they are wide open in flight. On one's back they are a heavy weight. ''


	2. Part II: To our Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I.................hope I didn't overdo the angst. But the editing button is right there I mean. If something looks... wrong just tell me.  
> I struggled a lot while writing [VII.]
> 
> Content warning for chapters [VI.] [VII]: Detailed descriptions of domestic violence and a panic attack. And angst, like I said.

_VI. Haruya_

Haruya wraps his one hand around the steel doorknob and uses the key in his other hand to unlock the door.

He pushes the door open. Inside is dark.

Something isn’t right, he senses immediately. His mother is supposed to be home by now, usually greeting his son from the sofa in the living room. Tiredness would have been sunken into her under eyes, but she would smile immensely warm at him, saying; _‘’ Haruya. Welcome home. ‘’_

He spots the light seeping out through the bottom of the kitchen door and walks closer.

His brows furrow. Two people are talking inside. One of them is his mother, her usually calming syllables are coming out tense. And the other is—

‘’ Motherfucker. ‘’ Haruya throws his backpack onto the floor and flings the kitchen door open.

Blood starts rushing to his brain when he sees his father’s face. There is a bottle of sake on the table in front of him that he most likely brought himself.

Haruya squeezes his fists.

His mother stands up from her chair to stop what is to come from that point;

‘’ Haruya don’t. ‘’ It isn’t like she wants that man in her house. Absolutely not. But she has to keep her son safe; ‘’ Go to the living room. ‘’

Haruya shoots past his mother’s arms holding him back and throws the chair blocking him onto the floor before slapping both hands on the table;

‘’ Didn’t I tell you the last time, to not come here again? ‘’ Haruya's not barking at him. This man doesn’t deserve that. Syllables leave between his clenched teeth in a sneer that nearly cuts his tongue;

‘’ Didn’t I say you wouldn’t get out _alive_ if you did? How dare you sit on our table, use our glasses to drink this poison? ‘’

His father only spares him a glance before pouring himself another shot of sake; ‘’ You’ve got a lot of nerve. It’s my right to see my son. Given by the court, remind you. ‘’

‘’ Don’t fucking call me your son! ‘’ The boy strikes the sake bottle with the back of his hand. It ends up on the floor, cracked. Alcoholic liquid starts pouring out of it.

The room drowns in its cheap stench.

His father stands up from his chair sharply and pushes Haruya’s mother off his way.

Haruya takes a few steps back. He can tackle him in the living room where there’s more space. But before that, his father grabs the front of his jacket and slams him against the doorframe;

‘’ You know I _will_ marry your mother again. I’ll have my family back, Haruya. ‘’

Haruya has to close his eyes for a second and let a deep breath out. He smells _disgusting,_ alcohol. And his hair is oily, clothes unwashed.

‘’ You don’t deserve a family. ‘’

Haruya throws a kick at his liver -the weakest part of an alcoholic’s body- and follows that with a left hook to his ear. Though his kick proves to be more effective as his wrists are rather fragile to punch any hard.

As his father is bent over in pain, Haruya looks at his mother; ‘’ Get in the bedroom and lock the door mom. ‘’ When she doesn’t move and instead, stares at him with wide eyes, he yells; _‘’ Mom! ‘’_

That second, he misses his father’s wide frame jumping towards him with a punch that lands sturdy on the arch of his cheekbone. The impact sends him flying into the living room.

He hears the door click. His mother is safe. More space to fight in. Good.

Haruya stands up and walks to him in pure anger; ‘’ You suffocate me. I feel your hand right at my throat even when you’re miles away. ‘’ He gives a hard shove against his father’s chest and yells.

And when he yells, the entire house shakes in its bones;

‘’ Get out! Get out of our lives! ‘’

His father slaps him across the face. Haruya starts laughing and shoves him again;

‘’ I dare you, do that again. ‘’ He does. Another slap lands on his already stinging cheekbone and again but Haruya doesn’t feel anything but rage.

‘’ I wish you were never born. I really do. ‘’

‘’ Really? But guess who’s going to outlive you! ‘’

This time his father takes him from his shoulders and pushes him back so hard that Haruya ends up crashing against the wooden cabinet and hitting the back of his head.

As he’s scrambling on the floor to get up, his father swoops down on him and this time, Haruya hits his spine while trying to dodge him. The radio standing on top of the cabinet falls and lands onto his arm, drawing a pained growl out of his throat.

It’s dark. He doesn’t see the blood but knows it opened a cut on his arm.

The father and the son begin to thrash on the floor, screaming unspeakable insults to each other. Haruya bites him when he can’t punch, aims his fingers into his eyes when he can’t kick—

Only after Haruya stops fighting back that his father pulls his arms away. He gives one last slap on his cheek and mumbles something about how a son should know his place. Haruya doesn’t hear him.

The rest occurs like an out of body experience. Tears are invading Haruya’s vision because the cut on his arm feels like his arm is on fire. His head is throbbing and he can’t calm himself down.

He remembers the day Mizuki took him to the arcade for the first time.

 _‘’ I don’t think I’ll ever be able to practice Aikido again, Akabayashi-kun. ‘’_ The fact still hurts Haruya’s heart.

‘’ In Aikido, you’re expected to be able to show mercy to your opponent. Be gentle when necessary. _I don’t have the strength to do that anymore._ ‘’

His gaze stops on his father’s hunched shoulders, illuminated by the dirty yellow light coming in from the kitchen. His brows furrow;

_Is he showing me mercy?_

_He’s stronger than me then? That can’t be right._

It was because his father beat him the day before that Haruya got eliminated and lost his chance to fight in the world tournament.

His father turns and looks at him when Haruya starts speaking;

‘’ There’s a knife in the second drawer in the kitchen. Not the type we use to cut fruits—‘’

Haruya takes shallow breaths and glazes every word with poison;

‘’ The next time you step into this house, I’ll take that knife and kill in you in your sleep, _Shiki Harusaki._ ‘’

_‘’ What did you say? ‘’_ His father asks, taking slow steps towards him.

‘’ What do you have, Haruya, a death wish? ‘’

The smirk Haruya lifts then is shaky, but it’s there. Holding onto the edge of the cabinet, he pushes himself up and picks the slim glass vase there to use it as a weapon. _I knew you weren’t strong. You took my ability to show mercy, but you can’t show it either._

‘’ Come to me. ‘’ Haruya breaks the glass against the wall and cuts his palm in doing so, but now the object has a sharp side; ‘’ Just like the animal you are. ‘’

He can hear his mother crying inside the room she’s locked herself in as he fights the man who has brought nothing but misery to them. Then his father has his hand wrapped around his throat and she’s _screaming._ Haruya isn’t sure why.

He is going to die here. That’s fine. It happens.

_‘’ Mom. ‘’_ Haruya croaks out before losing his consciousness.

* * *

_There is a red-haired boy, waiting for him at school gates. Under the afternoon sun, he looks so beautiful that Haruya wants to line hundred lines of haiku for him._

_He starts running towards him—_

* * *

When he wakes up his mother is holding him the way Michelangelo has depicted Mother Mary cradling the Christ. _Pieta._ He remembers reading about it in a book he found in the dusty shelves of the school’s library.

He jerks his face away in panic when he feels something cold gently pressed on his cheekbone.

‘’ _Ssh…_ It’s just ice, Haruya. For the swelling. Open your eyes for me. ‘’

The room is dead silent. Haruya selects his mother’s worried features with the help of the moonlight seeping in through the window.

He confusedly stares at her for a while before stuttering;

‘’ W- Where’s he? ‘’ She puts the ice away and caresses his hair and forehead;

‘’ He’s in the bedroom, sleeping. He’ll leave before the sun comes up. ‘’

_So he couldn’t… Okay._

With unfocused eyes, Haruya looks at the bandages his mother has wrapped on his right arm and palm. Then he sees a dark spot on his mother’s face;

‘’ What happened to your face, mom? ‘’ He asks in a small voice, lifting his fingers to her face; ‘’ Didn’t I tell you to- ‘’

‘’ I had to pull you off from _his_ hands. ‘’ She draws in a shaky breath and brings her curled fist against her lips, sobbing; ‘’ I’m sorry I couldn’t…’’

‘’ _For everything._ I’m sorry Haruya. ‘’

‘’ Hand me a knife, ma. ‘’ Haruya tries to hoist himself up by holding onto his mother’s shoulder. Then growls when he can’t gather the strength. He falls back down on her knees, panting.

His mother holds him from his shoulders and shakes him.

Haruya’s eyes grow wide. He tenses all the way through his bones.

‘’ Listen to me Haruya. You are _not_ doing anything that will result in you throwing away your future. ‘’

‘’ I don’t have a future. ‘’ He replies angrily; ‘’ I’m young. I’ll spend ten, fifteen years in prison but we’d-‘’

 _‘’ Shut up. ‘’_ And he instantly does, because his mother has never spoken to him in that tone.

‘’ I can take his life myself if I see fit. ‘’ 

Next, he thrashes his way out of his mother’s arms because the thought of her spending years in prison is simply too much for him to handle. 

He needs to breathe. He limps to get to the front door and doesn’t hear his mother whisper through the darkness;

‘’ Haruya. Where are you going at night?‘’

* * *

He doesn’t know, really. He’s lost. He's been lost for a long time. He slides against a lamppost and sits on the cold pavement of a deserted street. As shock circulates in his body, everything feels stagnant to his senses.

After taking deep breaths, he starts walking to the nearest wheat field. He trips on a rock on the way, falls on his knees and scrapes his unbandaged palm. Then falls again and angry tears start wetting his throbbing cheek.

But he doesn't give up. His mother didn't raise him to give up.

Once he reaches to the sea of ripe wheat spikes whirling with the wind, Haruya stands there with arms wide open. He lifts his injured face up to the moon. He feels light and tiny against the wind, like a bird.

Wind tousles his hair and dries his tears.

He nods. His mother didn't raise him to give up. _This too shall pass._

Haruya drops onto his knees to calm himself down. But then starts screaming his heart out—for someone to hear him.

For a help, for a hand.

For someone.

_VII. Mizuki_

_While Haruya is in the wheat field,_

Mizuki is in his quiet home, sitting at the kitchen table with his mother. She’s hunched over the table, writing down their expenses on a notebook and calculating the next month’s budget, a calculator under her hand.

Mizuki clears his throat lightly before speaking; ‘’ I passed the exams. I’m not failing any classes this year. ‘’

She sends him a short glance over the rim of her glasses before resuming her task; ‘’ I thought passing your exams is what you’re supposed to do as a student. ‘’

‘’ Yeah of course. ‘’ Mizuki quickly says and leans back in his and chair. Then he starts biting his lip, a nasty habit Haruya's been trying to make him stop;

‘’ Thought you’d be happy to hear I got good grades though. I worked pretty hard. ‘’

_Haruya was ecstatic to hear his results. He even gave him two kisses on each of his cheeks and whispered ‘’ I’m so proud of you, Mizuki. ‘’_

_No one besides his father has told him that._

‘’ If you do good in school you can come to good places. If not, you can’t. This is about _you,_ Mizuki, not me. ‘’

‘’ Nah, you just don’t care about me, mom. ‘’

It comes out abruptly, out of somewhere in his chest that Mizuki refers to as _the darkness-soup station_.

His mother puts down her pen and looks at him, quite taken aback.

Mizuki smiles at her;

‘’ I still love you, though. Because you’re my mother. Because I’m…dumb like that. ‘’

She frowns; ‘’ If I didn’t care about you, then you wouldn’t be living in this house, Akabayashi Mizuki. Think through your words before you utter them. ‘’

‘’ I’ll move out in the first chance I get. ‘’ Mizuki springs out of his chair and walks to the hallway. He grabs his jacket and backpack and makes sure he’s carrying a flashlight;

‘’ And I do think through my words, mom. I think about them so hard that sometimes I feel like I’m going to suffocate in them. ‘’ 

‘’ Is that your father’s jacket? ‘’ She ignores his sentence and asks, removing her glasses; ‘’ Didn’t I put that in the trash? ‘’

Mizuki scratches the soft skin just above his Adam’s apple; ‘’ Yeah. And I dug it out of there because we wouldn’t want to spend all that money on another jacket, right? ‘’

He gives her a tight smile;

‘’ Stop looking at me like that, mother. I’m not him. I’m not my father. ‘’

He slams the door after him and waits for a call for him to come back, that it is night and outside is dangerous. It doesn’t come.

He starts striding past shabby apartments and sleeping kittens while letting out short breaths through his flared nostrils. His chest is heavy, there’s a lump on his throat.

He wants to punch something or yell his frustration out loud;

_‘’ Didn’t my mom and I cross your mind, not even just once, dad? ‘’_

_‘’ Now she sees you every time she looks at me. ‘’_

He squeezes his eyes shut and starts running on the road going to the nearby wheat fields.

* * *

There is a _yokai_ sitting in the middle of the field. At least that’s what Mizuki’s blurry vision prods him into thinking. It’s a small, white blur of a thing.

Mizuki turns his flashlight on and jumps from the asphalt road to the moonlit field, panting from his short sprint earlier.

Approaching closer, he quickly realizes that’s a human being and easily recognizes that somewhat hunched back.

His brows snap together; ‘’ Haruya? ‘’ He calls out. Then he wipes his forehead to the back of his hand.

The small white thing gets startled with his voice. A bandaged arm appears into Mizuki’s view.

Then he is staring at a pair of eyes howling in a quiet plea. Haruya’s lashes are wet with tears, lips puffy, his shirt is stained with blood.

Both boy’s eyes widen at each other’s shaken figures. Haruya lifts his hand up and hides the swollen side of his face.

He takes a step back. And another. Mizuki throws his backpack and flashlight aside;

‘’ No! Don’t run. ‘’

He reaches to him, seizing his small frame into his arms; ‘’ Don’t run Haruya. I got you. Who did this to you? ‘’

Pressed against his chest, Haruya shivers and tries to flee out of his hands like the small blue bird he once placed into Mizuki’s palms in an alley.

Mizuki remembers that bird was scared and had to be released.

He eases his hold; ‘’ Okay. I’m not touching you. I’m not looking at you. ‘’

Haruya curls up in a ball on the ground and covers his head with his hands. He looks like someone caught in an earthquake, or a turtle hiding in his shell.

Listening to the tiny sounds he makes while crying, Mizuki feels his chest getting tighter.

He closes his eyes as nausea grasps his being as a whole. He knows what's to come next, but can't stop it, and that only drives him more to the edge. _‘’ Not now. Please. ‘’_

 _‘’ Not now. ‘_ ’ He takes off his jacket and lets it fall onto Haruya’s shoulders. Then clutching his chest tightly, he drags himself backwards to give both of them some space.

Mizuki runs his palms on the ground and stretches his fingers out, trying to focus on the coldness of the soil, the wheat spikes tickling his skin. But it’s no use. No one can save him here.

He’s trapped. _He'_ _s trapped. Haruya will leave him, like everyone leaves him._ Mizuki grits his teeth, trying to breathe calmer. 

Haruya uncurls the hands he’s buried in his hair when he hears the anguished sounds Mizuki's making. He sees that he is hyperventilating.

He rushes to his side and drops onto his knees;

‘’ Mizuki! ‘’ 

‘’ Open your eyes. ’‘ He wipes away the tears running down to his chin. Mizuki’s skin feels clammy against his touch; ‘’ I’m here. I’m okay. ‘’

Mizuki opens his eyes and stares at his surroundings like something is going to jump off and eat him. 

Haruya draws closer and tries to produce a calm tone despite feeling just as scared as him; ‘’ I’m going to start counting now, okay? Try to follow my breathing, Mizuki. ‘’

He places a palm over the panic-stricken boy’s chest and starts counting, making sure to take a deep breath with each number.

‘’ I’m sorry. ‘’ Mizuki chokes out minutes later, letting his forehead drop on Haruya's shoulder.

A while later, he wipes his face to his wrist; ‘’ I’m..sorry. I think…we should smoke a cigarette. ‘’ He turns and extends his upper body forward until he catches the strap of his schoolbag.

‘’ You shouldn’t’ve taught me to smoke this thing properly. Now I crave it. ‘’ He finds his cigarettes and peeks into the package;

‘’ There’s only one left. ‘’ He smiles shakily and turns the package to him; ‘’ We can share. ‘’

Haruya pulls out the last stick in the package and places it in between Mizuki’s lips. Flame of the lighter shakes with his unsteady hold.

‘’ Fuck, Mizuki. You scared me so much. ‘’ Haruya takes him back into his arms then. Mizuki pulls himself closer to him, releasing a trail of smoke towards the field. Then he turns his lips to Haruya’s ear; ‘’ Please don’t leave me. ‘’

Haruya takes Mizuki’s face in between his palms and looks into his eyes; ‘’ Why would I? I’m happy when I’m around you, Mizuki. You show me new places, we have fun. I won't leave you. ‘’

Mizuki nods and gives him the cigarette; ‘’ Take it. I need to lay down for a second. ‘’

Haruya grabs the leather jacket thrown aside and covers the other’s body lying still on the cold soil as though all of his energy has been pulled off of him.

‘’ Has this ever happened to you before? ‘’ Haruya asks after a silence, examining a wheat spike in his unoccupied hand.

Mizuki closes his eyes and sighs; ‘’ Started after my father left. I was like…fourteen when my mother took me to a doctor in the city. ‘’

‘’ This is the first time it happened since I started high school. ‘’

Haruya puts off the cigarette and makes sure it’s not a fire hazard. Then he lets his head fall next to Mizuki’s.

Mizuki softly touches the swollen side of Haruya’s face and hears him hiss; ‘’ Why would they do this you, Haruya? What happened? ‘’

Then he sniffs and his eyes water, he can’t help himself.

‘’ Don’t. ‘’ Haruya props himself up on an elbow and starts caressing his hair. He doesn’t want him to panic and suffer through _all that_ again, so he uses a gentle voice; ‘’ It’s just a few bruises, some cuts. _They’ll heal._ They’re not worth you crying. ‘’

‘’ Will your heart _heal_ from this, Haruya? ‘’ Mizuki asks him. Haruya gives him a nod through darkness;

‘’ Yes, in time. Because I am tough, and my heart is strong. ‘’ He leans in and kisses him from his eyes;

‘’ Do you know how I stay strong? ‘’

Mizuki shakes his head, wrapped by the sudden feeling of _‘’ I’ll spend a lot of years with you, don’t I? ‘’_ and it coats every inch of his body.

‘’ I know I’m loved. My mother loves me. And there’s this _boy_ … hair dyed to red, has beautiful eyes. I think he loves me too. ‘’ Haruya dances his fingertips on Mizuki’s cheekbone and tangles their legs; ‘’ As long as you know you’re loved, you have hope, Mizuki. ‘’

Haruya chooses to whisper his next words in his ear. Stars aren’t allowed to eavesdrop on them. And Mizuki understands, _this universe is in his touch_ ;

‘’ And _my love,_ hope brings healing. Sometimes it’s temporary, but it stops the bleeding. ‘’

Mizuki is looking at him with adoring eyes; ‘’ Can I love you forever, Haru? ‘’

Haruya gives him a sad smile; " But I don’t have _a_ forever, Mizuki. ‘’ He holds Mizuki’s hand and turns his face to the sky; ‘’ The sun will rise soon. We can watch that together, and that moment only be ours. ‘’

‘’ Maybe this is the closest thing to forever I can give to you. ‘’

At first, the sky is in a misty shade of blue. It’s tired, like two boys who had spent the night without sleep. Then, inside the clouds, a pink light burst open. Purple and lilac seep into it. Yellow thins out in the clouds like capillaries, bitter and breath-taking.

Soft red, matching Haruya’s cheeks, kisses the sky and blows out the stars. After that, it darkens to the colour of Mizuki’s hair. Shortly after, a new day is born in all its heartbreak and glory.

Mizuki sees something in the sky that makes his breath catch in his throat. He remembers a certain book waiting in his backpack, then turns his head. Haruya’s eyes are closed. He doesn’t know if he should be waking him up, but gives his fingers a small squeeze.

Haruya’s eyes flutter open.

A flock of birds are dancing in between the new-born lights. Floating akin to the pull and give of sea waves.

‘’ Look how freely they move, Mizuki! ‘’ Haruya bolts upright, fascination making his brown orbs glass-like; ‘’ I wonder where they’ve been to before. ‘’

Mizuki drags his backpack in between his legs; ‘’ You’re going to be angry at me for this. But here, you can learn where they came from. ‘’

He extends the blue hardcover print of _‘’ Encyclopaedia of East Asia Birds ‘’_ to Haruya’s confused hands.

‘’ You stole this. ‘’ Haruya glares at him. Mizuki’s huffs a slightly annoyed breath and travels his gaze around;

‘’ Well if you sell a book at that price, then you’re asking for it to be stolen. ‘’

‘’ God, Mizuki, I can’t believe you. ‘’ Haruya caresses the photo of the bird on the cover, trying to keep himself from spreading the encyclopaedia open and maybe even smelling the high-quality paper; ‘’ I’ll go return it today and apologize. Don’t _ever_ steal again. ‘’

‘’ Well…you can return it. _Or_ you can just pay for it once you get a job and have your first pay check. ‘’

‘’ That wouldn’t be ethical. _That’s not how the world works._ ‘’ Haruya bites down on his lip, but the temptation is so sweet. He opens the hardcover and lifts the first page ever-so-slightly before giving up and saying; ‘’ Fuck.. I’ll pay for it. I’ll pay for it with the first money I earn. ‘’

Mizuki starts laughing; ‘’ I got Kanzaki to help me steal it. The way we did with the bird in the pet shop. It was pretty funny. ‘’

‘’ Shut up. ‘’

* * *

By the time Haruya returns home to his mother’s worried embrace, his father has already left Oita in his blue semi-truck.

He promptly gets to work; prepares his mother a sandwich, some coffee and packs a lunch while she gets ready for work. Then he starts mopping the floors rather aggressively after picking up the glass pieces and placing the radio back to its place.

He strips _-claws off-_ the sheets on his mother’s bed and curses his father out while beating the mattress with a bamboo stick used to blow the dust off of futons.

A word for every hit;

 _‘’ My-grandmother-was-right-to-pull-a-gun-on-you-Shiki-Harusaki._ I wish she had her glasses with her so that she could shoot you. You bastard! ‘’

Then he lays down a clean bedsheet. It’s not easy, the cuts on his arm and palm hurt a lot but now his mother will sleep on a clean bed without his father’s abusive germs once she returns.

Smiling, he sets the encyclopaedia of birds to the quaint bookshelf. Next to the bird plushie Mizuki got for him.

‘’ You’re disgusting, Shiki Harusaki. ‘’ Finally, he kicks the rumpled bedsheet on the floor for good measure before taking it over to the to-be-washed pile.

In the bathroom, he fills a basin with cold water and detergent and leaves his school-shirt soaked in it.

He is done. Dressed in bird-printed pyjamas, he glances at the clock in the living room. If he didn’t skip school, he’d be having lunch by this time.

Letting out a sigh, he lays down on the sofa that serves as his bed. Finally, he can get some sleep—

 _Someone is knocking on the door._ Probably the landlord asking for the late rent. Haruya drags himself out of the couch to answer the door.

He’s surprised to see Nagahara-sensei at his door, then ashamed that he’s staring worriedly at his face.

Haruya keeps his gaze down the entire time where he asks him if he would like to see a doctor. _No, sensei. They would have to keep records there._ Then Nagahara tells him to visit the school nurse tomorrow, promising to talk to her beforehand for secrecy.

Haruya accepts and the teacher goes on hunting for something in his leather briefcase; ‘’ You had English and Philosophy before lunch, right? ‘’ He extends him a thin stack of papers;

‘’ Your English teacher wrote down which section she’s taught in the class today and gave me a few worksheets _._ I added some trigonometry problems at the end because they looked tedious. ‘’

Haruya mumbles a thank you. But he looks up and meets his eyes when Nagahara doesn’t let go of the papers.

‘’ I promised you I wasn’t going to ignore anymore, Haruya-kun. _Do you want me to alert the authorities?_ ‘’

‘’ He’s already left, sensei. ‘’

Nagahara closes his eyes with a sigh; ‘’ Well… then do your homework but don’t push yourself too much, okay? ‘’

He gives him the worksheets; ‘’ I hope to see you back in class in no time. ‘’

Haruya closes the door after him, hugging the papers against his chest. He could be the only student in the world who’s happy to receive homework.

_VIII. Winter_

If you were an adolescent boy _passionately_ in love, and your mother has left the house to you for a week to visit your grandparents; What would you do?

 _That’s right._ You would invite the boy you’re in love with to a sleepover. So that you can study together.

_So that you can make out._

They are in eleventh grade now, only a year left before graduation.

‘’ Why can’t I ever get this house warm enough? ‘’ Mizuki complains, his hands occupied with two cups of hot cocoa. There is also a pair of slippers under his arm for Haruya.

He shuts the door with his right foot and asks; ‘’ It’s windy outside, why is the window open? ‘’

‘’ It’s snowing. ‘’

‘’ Really? ‘’ Mizuki places the hot drinks onto the study table and makes sure Haruya is wearing the slippers to keep his feet warm; ‘’ The last time it snowed in Oita was when I was in kindergarten. ‘’

Snowflakes are thin and their fall is angelic. The wind waltzes them into doing consecutive somersaults in the air, few specks fly in and find refugee on their study table.

They are supposed to study for the upcoming tests. Instead, with the textbooks ready in front of them, they find themselves enjoying the winter scene outside.

Mizuki strokes his thumb over Haruya’s knuckles; ‘’ What are you planning to do after graduation? ‘’ He asks and puts a kiss on his hand.

 _Haruya’s started working part-time in a hair salon here in Oita._ Mizuki smells hair dye on his fingertips and discovers hints of soft cologne on his inner arm, under the sleeve of the white turtleneck he is wearing.

‘’ It’s still early to think about that, I think. But I’ll probably continue working at the salon. ‘’ Haruya brushes his fingers on Mizuki’s face, feeling the peach fuzz there; ‘’ Maybe I open my own salon later. ‘’

‘’ You? ‘’

‘’ No idea. ‘’ Mizuki looks at the textbooks, dispirited; ‘’ I don’t know what I want to do. But I feel like I won’t accept the kind of jobs I can do. Like working at construction sites or being a cashier. ‘’

He furrows his brows; ‘’ If anyone would be dumb enough to hire me. ‘’

Haruya huffs a laugh; ‘’ As much as I want to believe otherwise, you’re not dumb, Mizuki. Don’t talk yourself down. ‘’ He pulls him into a kiss, Mizuki replies eagerly.

Before they know it, they’ve moved to the bed, lying down onto a wool blanket. Mizuki tugs on Haruya’s turtleneck to reveal his pale neck. He grazes his teeth over Haruya’s warm, then gives a light bite.

Haruya lets out a soft hiss, running his fingers through Mizuki’s hair; ‘’ We were going to study, remember? ‘’ He says, but removes Mizuki’s pullover to reveal his toned chest.

Mizuki smirks as he takes in the look in Haruya’s eyes; ‘’ You like what you’re seeing? ‘’

‘’ Well I’m looking at it. ‘’ Haruya pokes at the muscles Mizuki’s flexing.

They make out for a while, time to time letting out chuckles as though what they are doing is the naughtiest thing in the world. The smell of hot chocolate diffuses into the room from the two untouched cups left by the window.

Haruya doesn’t let them go too far, asking Mizuki if he could wait for two days for them to go all the way _there._ His eighteenth birthday is in two days. He wants to do it the right way, and the safe way.

They cuddle under the warm blanket and stay like that for the rest of the day. Textbooks already forgotten, Mizuki listens to music from his Walkman and Haruya reads a book; spilling his hair on Mizuki’s one shoulder.

* * *

People are rushing to get their errands done before the sun sets for good. Mizuki passes the crowd, his jaw set tightly against the sharp wind. He keeps his hands fisted in his coat pockets. 

Snow didn’t linger long on the streets. Two days after it first fell, it melted and left its place to a truly cruel cold.

With hasty steps, he crosses the pavement and pushes the heavy door of the hairdresser’s shop open. The store-bell tinkles. Inside, Haruya is straightening a middle-aged lady’s hair, flat iron in his one hand and a small comb in other. He takes a section of hair and skillfully passes the hot device on it before running the comb through the shiny hair.

He sees Mizuki and smiles, mouthing an _‘’ I’m almost done ‘’_ without halting his smooth work on the client.

Mizuki gives a quick nod and squeezes his body out. Wrapping his wool scarf around his neck so as to cover his lips, he sits on the steps in front of the shop.

Haruya’s been happier since he started working. He talks excitedly about how his mother takes fewer shifts in her work because he can support her now. The other day he’s told Mizuki that he bought a pricier coffee for her. And that she cooks different meals at home nowadays.

Mizuki sighs. _You didn’t have to work on your birthday, though._

Five minutes later, the bell tinkles once again and the client leaves. Haruya’s polite voice saying _‘’Arigatou gozaimashita. ‘’_ reaches to Mizuki’s ears. After her, Haruya comes out carrying two cups of tea in his hands. He settles next to Mizuki.

As he hands him the blazing hot drink, Mizuki notices the nails on Haruya’s one hand are painted with nail polish. A different colour for each meticulously-filed nail.

‘’ I’m trying to learn. ‘’ Haruya explains, checking his work; ‘’The girls I work with told me that I can get more clients if I know how to give a manicure, and paint nails. ‘’

Haruya has elegant hands. But his knuckles are red and feels dry to Mizuki’s touch. Disadvantages of having delicate skin.

‘’ Does your hand hurt? ‘’ Mizuki asks.

Haruya nods; ‘’ They bleed too. My mother gave me a cream for it but it doesn’t work since my hands are in water a lot. ‘’ He takes a sip from his tea in a paper cup; ‘’ I don’t care though, I’m happy. ‘’

Mizuki smiles softly. Then turns to fetch out the present he got for him;

‘’ Happy eighteenth birthday, Haru. ‘’

Considering how Haruya walks to job after school, Mizuki decided to buy him a scarf that would keep him warm. Its colour is a yellowish-white that suits his brown eyes nicely.

Haruya lets him wrap the scarf around his neck and purrs after brushing his cheek against the fabric; ‘’ It’s so soft. Thank you, Mizuki. I’ll be using this a lot. ‘’

Then he presses the quickest kiss to Mizuki’s cheek.

Haruya looks striking. Mizuki escapes his gaze and looks at the cup in his hand. He feels his cheeks flush;

‘’ I wasn’t sure how practical white would be but you seem to know how to keep your clothes clean, so…’’

‘’ Glad you liked it. I _uh_ , also got the other thing you wanted. ‘’ Mizuki clears his throat. _A condom._

Haruya’s told Mizuki to buy a condom.

Haruya will be staying at his place tonight.

Haruya lets out a soft chuckle and lights himself a cigarette. Then innocently, he takes Mizuki’s hand and caresses it for some time;

‘’ Would you let me practice on your nails? ‘’

‘’ No. ‘’

‘’ I see…’’ _And he does it again._ He stares at the streets and sighs dramatically; ‘’ I thought it was my birthday today but-’’

‘’ _Fine._ But you’ll give me a discount the next time you dye my hair. ‘’

‘’ Deal! ‘’ Haruya runs inside and comes back with an array of nail polish.

While working, he explains that the reason he is painting each nail a different colour is because some nail polish looks opaque after two coats but for some, he needs to have a base for them to look nice. He’s trying to understand how it works. Mizuki couldn’t care less, but he pays attention _because it’s Haruya talking._

By the time the polish dries, Haruya realizes his break is over. He rushes back to work, promising he’ll bring some acetone with him to Mizuki’s house tonight.

Mizuki checks his nails. The hooker pink looks nice. Kinda punk.

Then he buries his hands deep in his pockets and heads straight to home. He has to change his bedsheets and make sure everything is clean.

He thinks he’ll look for his mother’s wine stash. That’s grape juice too.

Always the best for Haruya.

_IX. to our youth_

Time flies. Mizuki didn’t realize. One morning he opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling; _there were only two months left until graduation_ , to the end of his high-school years.

And he still didn’t know what he wanted to do in life.

_Night._ Mizuki is waiting for Haruya in front of an apartment building that doesn’t look like it could handle any earthquakes. A nocturnal bird sings in the dark, an owl perhaps. He brings his cigarette to his lips.

The entry door opens with a long and irritating creak. Haruya comes out and snatches his cigarette right away with a smirk on his lips;

‘’ I could find the park by myself. You didn’t have to come all the way. ‘’

He is wearing a light grey tracksuit set, the scarf Mizuki got him on his eighteenth birthday hanging around his neck.

Mizuki thinks white makes him look dangerous.

They start walking. It’s so quiet that the only thing Mizuki hears is the drag of sneakers on the pebble road;

‘’ I wanted to pick you up because there are dogs around that park. They’re usually harmless by themselves but get aggressive when they’re in packs. ‘’

‘’ I was never scared of you so I don’t see why they would intimidate me. ‘’ Haruya says.

Mizuki looks at him, disappointment on his face; ‘’ So I am a dog now, Haru? ‘’

Haruya huffs, sending him a teasing smile. He throws an arm over Mizuki’s shoulders and returns the cigarette to his lips; ‘’ No, you’re my handsome lover. Now tell me why Aozaki-kun wanted to meet with us at this hour? ‘’

Smirking, Mizuki wraps an arm around Haruya’s waist;

‘’ He sent over one of his goons and the guy didn’t tell me what it was about. But it’s Aozaki, so I’d say it’s probably something shady. ‘’ He adds; ‘’ I was going to refuse to see him. But then I thought, why would he want to see us for a shady business? His gang is ready to do whatever he wants. So, I got curious. ‘’

Haruya nods; ‘’ I see. You’re worried about your friend. _Good._ I like to see that in a man. ‘’

Mizuki objects; ‘’ He’s not…where did you get that from? I’m just bored. ‘’

‘’ Sure. Have it your way, love.’’

They spot Aozaki at the playground near the park, surrounded by four dogs jumping around him as he feeds them.

‘’ You’ve made friends, Ao? I’m so proud of you! ‘’ Mizuki says with an exaggerated tone, stretching his arms out to the dogs.

‘’ They’re better than shitty humans like you, Akabayashi. ‘’ They exchange short, friendly hugs; ‘’ Thanks for coming though, didn’t think you would. ‘’ Aozaki says to Haruya.

‘’ The matter is serious then. ‘’ Haruya observes. He hadn’t seen him in a year, Aozaki looks even more muscular and stands taller than the both of them.

And the mullet haircut… _the atrocity_ is right on top of his head in all its glory.

‘’ It is. I need your help. ‘’ Aozaki turns to the dogs and claps his hands; ‘’ I fed you. Now go leave us alone. ‘’ The dogs obey and head the direction he waves his arm.

Haruya thinks there must be a way of offering a haircut to him without hurting his feelings.

‘’ I’m not pushing any drugs, Ao. Let’s be clear on that. ‘’ Mizuki says.

‘’ Who said anything about drugs. Would I trust you with a package, Akabayashi? How dumb do you think I am? ‘’

‘’ Very. ‘’

Aozaki and Haruya settle at a bench. Mizuki squats down on the ground.

‘’ We’ll get into my issue later. You guys are graduating soon, right? ‘’ Aozaki pulls beer bottles out of a black plastic bag; ‘’ Thought we could celebrate. ‘’

He extends a bottle to Mizuki who instantly turns into one of the dogs Aozaki’s been feeding earlier. He opens the bottle with his teeth, earning himself a glare from Haruya.

Aozaki turns to Haruya, holding a bottle up in his face; ‘’ Cool scarf. Looks badass. Do you drink though? ‘’

‘’ Why wouldn’t I? ‘’ Aozaki hands him a bottle opener next.

‘’ You’re offending me, Aozaki-kun. ‘’ To open the drink, Haruya places one edge of the bottle cap on the bench and slams his hand down on it, exchanging smirks with Mizuki that looks borderline flirtatious.

Aozaki simply uses the bottle opener; ‘’ Well you spilled half of it. But alright, you’re the man. ‘’

‘’ What’s the thing you need our help with? ‘’ Mizuki asks.

After taking a swing from his beer, Aozaki runs a hand through his hair and explains;

‘’ There’s this _person_ I care about, alright? And some wealthy guy is giving _their_ family a hard time. ‘’

Haruya sends Mizuki an inquiring glance. _‘‘Woman, I bet.’’_ The red-haired one mouths.

‘’ The family have a small business. I heard they’re being pressured to sell their shop. ‘’ Aozaki points the bottom of his bottle at Mizuki; ‘’ That short guy in your gang…his father is the one who’s disturbing them. ‘’

‘’ Yoshio’s father? ‘’

‘’ Yes. ‘’ Aozaki confirms, adding; ‘’ Gotta intimidate this man. Make sure he knows the family’s not alone. ‘’

‘’ And you can’t use your gang for this because…? ‘’ Haruya asks, making Aozaki shift uncomfortably.

‘’ _Because the guy has ties to yakuza_. That’s where he gets the nerve to pester people _._ My gang ain’t got the balls to mess with yakuza and keep quiet after. ‘’ Aozaki scratches his chin; ‘’ I talked to _Skull_ about all this, and he suggested I speak to you guys. ‘’

A silence gets separated to weigh up the risks. Haruya and Mizuki keep their heads down.

Aozaki calmly sips his drink. He won’t blame them if they refuse to get involved. _This will be dangerous._

‘’ I’m in. ‘’ Mizuki declares, shrugging; ‘’ What’s the worst that could happen? ‘’

Haruya narrows his eyes; ‘’ We would be caught by yakuza and get every bone in our bodies broken. ‘’

‘’ But Haru…’’ A grin covers Mizuki’s face. He darts a glance at Aozaki; ‘’ _It’s in the name of love._ Right, Ao? ‘’

Letting out a sigh, Aozaki facepalms; ‘’ What’re you trying to say, Akabayashi? ‘’

‘’ I just have a teeny-weeny feeling that you’re doing this for the woman you love. _Kaneko-san._ ‘’

Haruya tenses seeing Aozaki squeeze his fist.

Mizuki adds, his eyes strangely dark; ‘’ It wouldn’t be very wise to take such risk without knowing the details of the story, you see? ‘’

Aozaki nods after a consideration; ‘’ Yes. We’re doing this for Kaneko’s family. Kaneko’s not in Oita, though. ‘’ Mentioning her puts a smile on his lips, no matter how bitter it is;

‘’ The last time I spoke to her she told me she’s going to travel to Europe. Hadn’t heard from her since. ‘’

Haruya pats the big guy’s back in sympathy; ‘’ I’m sure your paths will cross someday. Now, how do you say we intimidate Yoshio’s father? ‘’

‘’ You’re joining too? ‘’ Mizuki asks, excitement clear in his voice; ‘’ Are we going to commit crimes together? Haru, that’s so romantic. ‘’ He then takes a step back upon feeling the dark aura Haruya starts radiating;

‘’ I advise you to stop talking, Mizuki. And don’t pluralise _‘’crimes’’_. ‘’

Aozaki reveals his plan; ‘’ If you’ve walked around the bus terminal then you would know the car dealership nearby. That’s our guy’s business. ‘’ His eyes move from Haruya to Mizuki; ‘’ We’ll go there at night, smash glasses, maybe do some damage to one of his cars. ‘’

He adds, massaging his nape; ‘’ Look, I can’t guarantee we won’t be caught. This place’s small. But after this, I consider you two my brothers—‘’

‘’ Okay, Ao. Don’t get sappy. ‘’ 

_Three days later, at night._

Walking through darkness, Aozaki Shuu is dragging a crowbar across a concrete wall. A blue shawl is covering half of his face. We see don’t see any emotion in his eyes.

Next to him, Akabayashi Mizuki is carrying a crazed grin on his face. _Thump…thump_. He pounds a baseball bat against the ground. His daily pondering of _‘’what do I want to do? ‘’, ‘’ what is my place in this society? ‘’_ feels unimportant at those seconds. He feels the sweet adrenaline already coursing through his veins.

Under the starless sky, a thin figure has his head tipped back, red tip of his cigarette glows briefly in dark. He exhales a stream of smoke, and it disperses grey in cold air. The ghost of violence has never left his side. And maybe it never will after tonight.

‘’ It’s impolite to be late. ‘’ He reminds the other two, bending over to pick up the brick he’s been stepping on. Then he weighs the object in his hand, internally lining apologies to his mother;

_‘’ Please forgive your dumb son, ma. He should’ve never fallen in love. ‘’_

‘’ We’re late because dumbass Akabayashi stopped to pet a cat. ‘’ Aozaki grunts.

‘’ But Haru it was so cute. ‘’ The other defends himself.

The trio stands in front of the target building. The night wind blows, revealing the nervous shudders they’ve been keeping down on their chests. Near the car dealership, there is a restaurant that has closed hours ago. The town is sleeping.

Aozaki’s hand tightens around the crowbar; ‘’ Just like we talked, alright? Be sure to use separate roads on your way back. Don’t panic if you see a cop. ‘’

‘’ Okay. ‘’ Haruya sends a look to Mizuki and pauses for a moment. Mizuki’s eyes are gleaming with excitement, like his blood has been boiling for this; like he physically needs to smash that thing in his hand somewhere.

‘’ For our youth. ‘’ Haruya hears him say. He’s not sure what is that supposed to mean.

Aozaki dashes towards the red Nissan on his left;

‘’ Let’s go then. ‘’

As he thrusts the crowbar into the car’s tires and renders them useless, Mizuki takes a leap on top of the vehicle and _BAM!_ Lands the baseball bat onto the roof the car.

Meanwhile, Haruya’s eyes are scanning the glass-front of the building. Gritting his teeth, he runs and hurls the brick through the glass, instantly shattering it into dozen pieces—

and triggering an alarm…

_Next, he is running fast. His eyes are wide open, the wind claws at his cheeks. Adrenaline burns his throat and stiffens his fingers. But his legs know where to take him. Police sirens start wailing only a few blocks away._

_Haruya falls into a momentary panic. Will they be caught? —_

_Mizuki’s chuckle echoes into the night. He grabs Haruya’s hand for a second and says; ‘’ I want to run with you forever, Haruya! ‘’ The smile he gives him hangs in the clouds long after he turns and takes a separate road—_

_Haruya wraps that smile and hides it into the warmest corner of his heart; so that it never grows old and makes him run faster every time._

Days following the _chivalrous vandalism_ _incident_ , Mizuki is cautious during his walks from school to home. He checks for shady figures in the alleys, for someone following him. In school, he pays attention to the gossip related to that night. He’s learned the police are running an investigation, but it’s not very fruitful so far.

He doesn’t talk to Yoshio, thinking it would look suspicious.

Haruya on the other hand, acts borderline paranoic. During his shift at the hair salon, his eyes dart towards the entrance whenever the bell tinkles. He lets out relieved breaths upon seeing a client walking in instead of a cop or a bunch of guys in tacky shirts and golden chains.

A week later, Mizuki meets with Aozaki at the park to get the updates regarding the police investigation. They talk it through, then he unwillingl _y_ participates in Aozaki’s playtime with street dogs.

Mizuki is preparing to leave when Aozaki grabs his arm; ‘’ _Shit._ We have visitors. ‘’

With a subtle flick of his head, he gestures at the sleek black cars that have parked across.

Mizuki gulps and _slowly_ sits back down. _Of course the yakuza have reached them before the town’s lazy policemen._

They expect ten-something yakuza underlings carrying knuckledusters to come and beat the shit out of them. Instead, a man steps out of the first car and heads towards them with unhurried steps.

He looks well into his fifties. Wearing a relaxed fit but spotless clean black suit, he has a face that screams _‘’stand the fuck up when you see me’’_ -they do, almost immediately-.

Mizuki finds it curious that he is carrying an ornate cane in his one hand despite walking quite normally.

Aozaki mumbles in Mizuki’s ear; ‘’ Don’t fight back. That’s Awakusu group’s _kanbu, ‘’ Chopstick Takeshi. ‘’_ He can fuck us up in half a second. ‘’

A nervous titter leaves Mizuki’s lips; ‘’ Why do they call him _‘’Chopstick’’_? ‘’

With one last tap of his cane, Takeshi stands right before them; ‘’ I gouged a guy’s eye out once. I was at a restaurant, eating. Wouldn’t be proper manner if I used my fingers. ‘’ He shifts his gaze to the red-haired boy;

‘’ Stop grinning before I rip your mouth off your face. ‘’

Clearing his throat, Mizuki wipes his grin to the back of his hand, lowering his gaze at the same time.

Aozaki takes a step ahead and ducks into a proper bow; ‘’ I apologise for the trouble, Takeshi-san. You must be here about the incident at the dealership. _I’m behind it._ ‘’ Mizuki’s mouth falls open when he says; ‘’ My friend didn’t want to be in it, but I forced him to—‘’

‘’ Stop lying to my face, Shuu Aozaki. I’m not the one you will explain yourself. ‘’ Takeshi says with his impassive voice before turning away; ‘’ Follow me. ‘’

‘’ You think they got Haruya too? ‘’ Mizuki asks quietly as they follow Takeshi to the sleek black cars.

‘’ Probably. ‘’ Aozaki mutters, adding; ‘’ I’m sorry. ‘’

Takeshi motions his cane to the passenger door of the car, signalling them to get in;

‘’ Your friend was playing _shogi_ with _Oyabun_ before I went out to look for you two misfits. ’’

‘’ Our friend…You mean Haruya, sir? ‘’ Mizuki asks hesitantly, wondering how Haruya ended up in such position.

‘’ Smart kid. Talked himself out of a good beating, that’s for sure. ‘’ Takeshi grins to himself; ‘’ I truly hope you can do the same. Otherwise--‘’

He doesn’t finish that sentence. He doesn’t _need to_ finish that sentence. Before getting into the car, Mizuki and Aozaki exchange glances, the habitual display of toughness faltering with each passing minute.

* * *

The car ride lasts about twenty minutes, all of which pass disturbingly silent. At last, the driver stops the engine in front of a western-style villa. 

While the residence looks unpretentious from outside, inside is decorated using such heavy burgundies and blues velvets that no amount of sunlight feels like it could brighten the rooms.

Yakuza men are guarding every corner. They all radiate the same robotic, slightly threatening aura. 

Mizuki gives friendly smiles to them, gapes at precious vases and ornaments and asks trivial questions to Takeshi while Aozaki keeps his head down and fights the urge to make a mould of Mizuki’s face on the nearest wall. 

They find themselves in an office room where drapes are drawn tightly, Bach is playing on a record player and the smell of smoke is overbearing even though no one seems to be carrying a cigarette.

Haruya is sat across an elderly man in a wheelchair, an oxygen tank behind the man, and a shogi board in between them. 

A third man standing in the middle is keeping notation of the moves. By his relaxed posture and that one hand he keeps in his pocket, Mizuki assumes he is a high-ranking member of the yakuza group. 

Haruya looks composed as he moves a piece on the board. Then he lowers his hands to his knees and gives a bow from where he is sitting.

The game is over. The man in the middle puts his pen down with a good-natured smile.

‘’ You lost deliberately. Don’t do that-‘’ Oyabun wants to say but succumbs into a nasty coughing fit and someone has to fix an oxygen cannula in his nose. 

He continues with a wheeze;

‘’ Either you’re scared for your life or you thought this was the appropriate thing to do. Regardless, you are a smart kid. ‘’

Oyabun turns his gaze to the man parallel to him who is going over the game notations; ‘’ You should keep this one, _Dougen._ ‘’

Then he lifts a shaky finger towards where Mizuki and Aozaki are standing with baffled expressions; ‘’ See if these two have anything to offer. ‘’ After that, an underling wheels Oyabun out of the room. 

_Dougen_ tells Haruya to stand next to his friends. Then he eyes all three of them contemplatively before tilting his head at Mizuki’s face;

‘’ Why is he grinning? ‘’ He asks Takeshi, who looms over Mizuki so that the red-haired delinquent feels his _wrath_ on his neck;

‘’ I think our friend here is a bit dumb or thinks he can worm his way out of this by acting dumb, Dougen-sama. ‘’ 

Mizuki hears a growl at his ear and lets out a nervous chuckle; ‘’ Excuse me. No need to be so hostile. ‘’ Placing his hands on Aozaki’s shoulders, he quickly switches their spots; ‘’ I believe my friend can explain this misunderstanding. Please give him a chance. ‘’ He bows and stands next to Haruya.

Thankfully, Dougen’s short laugh afterwards eases the tense atmosphere. He orders Takeshi to stop scaring the _kids._

Then he looks at the tallest of the three; ‘’ Shuu Aozaki, Oita’s infamous delinquent. ‘’ 

Aozaki dips into a bow but Dougen tells him to face him;

‘’ I used to come to your fights. I thought you had great potential, wish you kept on fighting. ‘’ He continues after a sigh; ‘’ Now explain me the _misunderstanding_ of you three vandalising _our friend’s_ business _and completely wrecking my red Nissan 300ZX._ ‘’

This time, Aozaki pales; ‘’ I…didn't know that was your car, Dougen-san. ‘’ Then he breathes to regain his composure; ‘’ But I can explain the rest. ‘’ He says firmly, so Dougen lets him. 

Haruya and Mizuki send surprised looks to his direction when Aozaki mentions Kaneko and turns the story into a touching melodrama about the unreachable woman he is in love with. 

What’s more shocking is that Dougen looks _moved_ in the end; ‘’ _Ah poor boy…’’_ He says from his desk, brows pulled together; ‘’ I know how it is, I had to wait five years for my wife to finish her doctorate program in America so that I could marry her. ‘’

Aozaki gives him a sad smile; ‘’That’s how everything happened. I pulled my friends into this, so Dougen-san-‘’ He puts on the overly dramatic act of a prideful yakuza in any low-budget film; ‘’ Please spare them. Let me bear their punishments instead. ‘’

At this point, Haruya is elbowing Mizuki to keep his snort in. 

‘’ _No, relax—_ I’ll take care of the situation. ‘’ Dougen waves his one hand to him. Then turns and claws at the drapes to let some sunshine into the room;

‘’ Are these even necessary? Anyways, would you consider working for me once I take over the clan? ‘’

_‘’ Eh—?‘’_ The three let out simultaneously.

Dougen shoves the windows open; ‘’ After I take over, I’ll move the clan to Tokyo. We will be among the top players in no time, I’m sure. ‘’ His voice is strong and enthusiastic. He talks to the sky;

‘’ But you see, half of the clan don’t think my plans will work so they won’t follow me. ‘’ He turns and leans against the windowsill;

‘’ When the time comes, I will need bright young men like you by my side. _But_ no need to rush, graduate from school if you haven’t, _maybe knife someone if you haven’t before, you know, to get the feel of the job._ ‘’ 

A bird lands next to him on the windowsill. Haruya and Mizuki look at each other, trying to keep themselves from smiling. _This could’ve gone much worse._

Haruya asks just outside the door; ‘’ Forgive my curiosity, Dougen-san, in what field your wife received her doctorate? ‘’

Dougen beams radiantly;

 _‘’ Forensic sciences._ _She helps a lot at the scenes. ‘’_ _Crime scenes, Haruya assumes._

* * *

Just when they are out into fresh air, relaxed and joking around because their bones are intact and that is something to celebrate, they learn that Takeshi will be their driver on the way back.

‘’ Let’s take you _bright young men_ back to town. ‘’ Takeshi says mockingly and twirls his cane while walking to the car.

Observing him with part fascination, part unease, Mizuki can’t curb his curiosity; ‘’ Why the cane, Takeshi-san? ‘’

Mizuki _doesn’t_ see the cane flying to his direction because the man moves like the wind. But his limbs react to the sound it makes in the air and he manages to catch the cane _right against his jaw._

He closes his eyes with a _deep_ exhale. 

Aozaki’s fists curl instinctively. 

Haruya sighs, he just wants to go home.

With a sharp grin on his face, Takeshi nods approvingly; ‘’ Nice reflexes, you’re strong too. You just need to shut the fuck up. ‘’ He pulls the cane off his face.

‘’ No need to be hostile, Takeshi-san. ‘’ Mizuki manages, voice tight.

Inside the car, Mizuki turns to Haruya; ‘’ I can’t believe you played _shogi_ with the Oyabun of Awakusu-kai. ‘’ He says, keeping his voice low. 

‘’ I don’t want to talk about it. ‘’ Haruya’s reply blends into the roadway noise; ‘’ I’ve had a long day. ‘’

‘’ We all did. ‘’ Aozaki mutters.

Takeshi pulls over right before the sign that reads _‘’Oita’’_

He turns his head to them and looks thoughtful for a while. Then he nods to himself and says;

‘’ Now, if you decide to come back; you two get rid of those earrings—‘’ The yakuza executive points a vague finger at Mizuki and Haruya, who give curt nods in return. Then he settles his gaze on Aozaki; ‘’ And you make sure to cut that hair. ‘’

‘’ Don’t worry I’ll cut it for you. ‘’ Haruya turns to Aozaki and says with a friendly smile, patting his back lightly. Consoling him as if he hasn’t been dying to cut off the abomination that is Aozaki’s hair.

Takeshi continues; ‘’ And return knowing that _I_ will bring the men out of you, not Dougen-sama and you can’t soften me by playing smart, acting dumb or with fucking stories, you rascals. ‘’

‘’ Never thought we could. ‘’ Mizuki quickly states.

‘’ Didn’t even crossed our minds, Takeshi-san. ‘’ Haruya follows after. Aozaki opts for silence.

‘’ Good. You may get the fuck out then. ‘’

They practically throw themselves out. Mizuki waves at the car as it speeds off and leaves them in a black cloud of exhaust.

Haruya coughs, Mizuki hears him curse under his breath.

The town is a long walk away so they better move. 

The sun shines dark orange on the horizon. Under its light, the wheat fields all along the road look like a giant blanket made of gold. The ripe wheat dances with the breeze, producing the softest of rustles.

‘’ Do any of you happen to have some cigarettes? ‘’ Haruya asks, mostly looking at Mizuki’s way.

Mizuki dips his hands into his pockets but returns empty. Aozaki sends him a pack.

‘’ Thanks ‘’ Haruya twirls the cigarette thoughtfully before lighting it;

‘’ How old do you think Oyabun is? ‘’ 

Mizuki snorts; ‘’ At least one hundred. ‘’ Which is an exaggeration but could be close, who knows?

‘’ What do you think of Dougen-san’s offer, Aozaki-kun? ‘’ 

Aozaki looks surprised; ‘’ Are you considering following him, be a yakuza? ‘’ 

‘’ Why not? Wearing nice suits and throwing a sharp glance or two, I can do that. ‘’ Haruya straightens his back a little, lips curling into a smirk. He imagines himself in a pristine white suit, standing behind a fancy desk in a clean office room.

‘’ He wants to build his clan differently. Not in the traditional yakuza way. ‘’ Mizuki says.

Aozaki huffs a laugh; ‘’ Only a guy like him would be crazy enough to bring stray kids like us together. ‘’

Haruya frowns; ‘’ I’m not a stray. ‘’ He says quickly, but adds after a pause; ‘’ I’m just a bit lost at life. ‘’

‘’ Same thing. ‘’

Haruya raises his right hand holding the cigarette when Mizuki throws his entire weight on him. He doesn’t want him to burn himself while trying to hug him.

‘’ I told you we were going to commit crimes together! We’re going to be partners in crime, Haru! ‘’

Haruya chuckles; ‘’ Literally. ‘’

‘’ Tsch…Disgusting.’’ Aozaki mutters, folding his arms.

Mizuki stops hugging his boyfriend and pokes Aozaki with his elbow;

‘’ Man, you put on an _act_ back there, didn’t know you had such talents Ao. But you also admitted your feelings for Kaneko-san. ‘’

Aozaki considers letting his temper get the best of him and pin Mizuki down onto the hot asphalt. But he is tired, so he shakes a cigarette out for himself;

‘’ Had to talk my way out. Takeshi was ready to eat us alive otherwise. ‘’ He brings a lighter to his cigarette; ‘’ Didn’t want you to scream while that executive broke your fingers one by one. I already told you guys I’d consider you as my brothers if you helped me..so I did what I need to do. ‘’

He then shrugs; ‘’ As for Kaneko, it doesn’t matter because I won’t see her ever again. ‘’

Mizuki draws his bottom lip between his teeth; ‘’ Don’t look depressed like that, Ao. It isn’t like you. ‘’ He then lets out a sympathetic _‘’aww’’_ and throws his arm over his shoulders, irritating Aozaki further.

When Haruya crushes his half-smoked cigarette in a rush, a hand frantically pointing at the fields, Mizuki and Aozaki stop and blink confusedly.

‘’ Look Mizuki, _Tsubame_ have returned! ‘’

Mizuki’s lips curl in a loving smile when he notices the barn swallows gliding in the pink sky of the sunset. Haruya grabs Mizuki’s hand and starts running to the field, dragging him along. Mizuki catches Aozaki’s arm and makes him follow.

‘’ Why the fuck are we running? It isn’t like we can reach them. ‘’ Aozaki points out.

They stand in the middle of waist-high wheat stalks. The breeze quickens into a wind that tousles their hair.

Mizuki looks up at the sky for a while, contemplating the captivating dance of the birds.

Then the realization dawns on him; 

‘’ Maybe we are supposed to be lost. So that we can simply go wherever the wind takes us. ‘’ 

Haruya’s arms are wide open. Like he wants to prove that he can hug every bird in the sky, that he can fit their fluttering into his chest. The sun washes his features into gold-light, Mizuki separates every strand of his hair under it. He makes sure to carve Haruya’s gentle smile, and this moment, into the depths of his mind.

Birds follow the wind and Haruya’s heart has always followed them. Maybe the freedom he is searching for is in the currents they glide in between, Mizuki doesn’t know. But he will follow Haruya to every wind, be it raging or mellow. Every sunset he will hold his hand and every sunrise he will smile against his lips.

_Under the pink sky, Haruya looks free._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


	3. 15 Years Later...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh nooo someone kidnapped Shiki... no.... who could it be... nooo

**15 Years Later…**

‘’ It’s been three days. ‘’

Akabayashi drags his chair closer to the young man wearing a fur-lined jacket. Eyes glinting red against a laptop screen, the said young man moves his chair away from Akabayashi and picks up the laptop. Without breaking his concentration, he places the device to a new spot.

‘’ Shiki’s been missing for the past three days and you have yet to find him, _Orihara_. ‘’

‘’ You’ve been making me aware of the fact for the past forty-five minutes, Akabayashi-san. ‘’ Shinjuku’s famous informant, Orihara Izaya types on a keyboard. Fast clattering fills the small room;

‘’ And for the past forty-five minutes, I’ve been explaining to you that I am very close to tracing the last signal received from Shiki-san’s phone. ‘’

‘’ Three days ago. ‘’ Akabayashi adds to the sentence, his only working eye fixed on the informant, barely blinking and bloodshot from lack of sleep.

Orihara nods; ‘’ Magnificent sense of time even in times of panic, Akabayashi-san. ‘’

Once again, Akabayashi drags his chair closer and places his chin on his ornate cane; ‘’ I can pay you a lot of money, Orihara. ‘’

‘’ Forgive my rudeness, but I know how much you have in your three different bank accounts, Akabayashi-san. Don’t take it personally, though. It is my job to know things. ‘’

‘’ You calling me poor? ‘’

Orihara Izaya carries on with the conversation to distract the older man; ‘’ On the contrary, I know that you and Shiki-san have been anonymously providing scholarships to orphan children, donating to schools in rural areas and whatnot. ‘’

Akabayashi closes his eye and takes deep breaths; ‘’ It’s been three days, Orihara—‘’

‘’ Aozaki-san! ‘’ The informant calls out and a tall, strong looking man pushes the door open. His gaze travels between the informant and Akabayashi.

‘’ Akabayashi-san’s not letting me work. Please accompany him outside. ‘’

Aozaki approaches the red-haired executive of Awakusu-kai and makes him stand up from the chair he’s been sitting with a caution that one shows to elderly people.

‘’ Do you know what a yakuza can do to another in three days, Ao? ‘’ Akabayashi asks, disoriented as Aozaki walks him out of the room, carrying his cane for him.

‘’ I fucking know. We both got captured before. I also know that it isn’t as bad as police interrogation. Huh? Maybe look at that way. ‘’

Akabayashi practically sinks into the armchair in Shiki’s office room. He looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown and cry, and Aozaki sure doesn’t want to see that.

So, he motions one of the underlings; ‘’ Go get him some whiskey. ‘’ Then he opens the windows and even carries the pedestal fan in the corner to Akabayashi’s direction and plugs it in.

Akabayashi throws his head back and closes his eye; ‘’ If something happens to him—No, if a strand of his hair gets harmed; I will burn whoever’s got him, I will burn here and I will burn the entire Tokyo. ‘’

Aozaki can’t do anything but to stand with a worried expression as Akabayashi starts taking short, shallow breaths and unbuttons his suit jacket.

‘’ Oi. I think you’re having that panicking thing. ‘’

‘’ Haruya would help me if he was here. ‘’ A pause. Akabayashi gives a thin sound,

and breaks into sobs.

‘’ Oi, _oi_ \- Where’s that fucking whiskey, you dumbasses! ‘’ Aozaki yells towards the ajar door. He hears a shattering sound next, but doesn’t facepalm because Orihara Izaya rushes into the room, a grin on his face and eyes glimmering with success;

‘’ I think I know where Shiki-san is being held. ‘’

Akabayashi jumps out of the armchair and grabs his cane from Aozaki’s hand, his pre-breakdown tears suddenly non-existent.

He cracks his scarred eye open;

‘’ Now I’ve booked your ticket to hell, you motherfuckers. ‘’

* * *

A warehouse in _Saitama_ area. Aozaki shoots at a padlock to unlock the entrance, Akabayashi kicks several doors open. In the back of his mind, horrifying images are playing over and over. In what state will he find the man he loves? Will there be a gun aimed at his head?

Will he be playing mahjong with three other underlings who work for Awakusu-kai?

_Hm._

Because that’s what he is doing.

Shiki sends a calm glance at the eight guns aimed towards their table, then discards a mahjong tile into the pile in the middle;

‘’ Hi love, want to come play a round or two? ‘’ He says towards Akabayashi.

Akabayashi walks _slowly_ , holding his cane tight so that he can respond to any surprise attacks. He sends a look at the underlings around the table who have stood up and ducked into deep bows.

His eye quickly scans his lover; he is wearing his usual white suit, clean as always, no indication of dried blood. Or wet.

Akabayashi crouches down next to the chair he is sitting; ‘’ Are you okay? ‘’

‘’ Well I’m exhausted, but I believe that is just my unfortunate fate. ‘’ Shiki lights a cigarette, hands perfectly steady.

Akabayashi tries to spot surveillance cameras, unaware that there is none; ‘’ Touch your chain if you’re being threatened to act okay. ‘’ He mumbles.

‘’ Who’s going to threaten me- ‘’ Shiki points at the underlings who are standing tense; ‘’ These three? They couldn’t even win a game against me. And I’ve just learned to play mahjong. ‘’

 _This doesn’t make sense_. Akabayashi rubs his temples; ‘’ You’ve been missing for the past three days. We thought you were kidnapped- _Haruya I’m so scared, did they drug you?_ ‘’ He sends a suspicious glance at the tall can of energy drink in front of Shiki.

‘’ Oh _I am_ kidnapped. ‘’ Shiki takes the can and lifts it up to his lips, making Akabayashi slap a hand over his mouth worriedly.

‘’ Lower the fucking guns. ‘’ Aozaki orders his seven men, his deep voice echoes against the walls; ‘’ What the fuck is going on, Shiki? ‘’

Akabayashi catches the energy drink from Shiki’s hand and sniffs it. It smells like cough syrup and sugar, perfectly normal.

‘’ You know the weapon transfer I’ve been trying to make? ‘’

‘’ Yeah, the police were breathing down your neck for it. At first, we thought they arrested you to interrogate you. You know, privately. ‘’ Aozaki says.

Shiki nods; ‘’ Yes, that’s exactly the reason why I had to be kidnapped. ‘’ He extends a hand to take his drink back, Akabayashi moves it away from him;

‘’ What do you mean? ‘’

‘’ Even if the police arrested me for the transfer, they can't charge me with anything, _because I would have been kidnapped at the time of the transfer._ ‘’

‘’ You—you kidnapped _yourself?_ ‘’ Akabayashi hisses; ‘’ I can’t fucking believe you, Haruya. ‘’

‘’ In my defence, the police were supposed to find me in a couple of hours. I was going to contact Orihara to tip them the information. ‘’ Shiki turns and points at the boxes behind him; ‘’ We had all the props. Someone was going to tie me to a chair and all…’’

‘’ When was the last time you slept? ‘’ Akabayashi asks, trying to stay calm.

Shiki pauses and stares at a wall for a while, looking like a surprised Pikachu.

Akabayashi gets his answer;

‘’ And who told you _‘’ Shiki-san this is a great idea, we should definitely get on with it and make sure your husband has three panic attacks while searching for you. ‘’_

He adds; ‘’ _Husband_ , I remind you, by the power of Danish law. ‘’

‘’ Oh? It was Narumi who came up with the idea. ‘’ Shiki lifts a finger at the said underling who instantly pales;

‘’ S-Shiki-san…’’

Akabayashi stands up, taking a deep breath in. Then he slams Narumi to the wall and draws out the blade hidden in his cane.

Shiki speaks; ‘’ Did you know that Narumi and his wife just had a baby? They named the baby _Haruya._ How nice is that, don’t you think? ‘’

 _An exhale._ Akabayashi closes his eye, counts to five, then looks at the underling who is slightly shaking under his gaze; ‘’ You became a father? ‘’ He asks.

Narumi takes a step back to give a bow, and to put a distance between himself and the red demon’s wrath; ‘’ Y-yes, Akabayashi-san. ‘’

Akabayashi nods; ‘’ I see. Congratulations. ’’ He pats a hand on Narumi’s shoulder, then squeezes it;

 _‘’ You have three days to leave the organization. ‘’_ He discreetly whispers to his ear.

Aozaki laughs, turning aside to leave the warehouse; ‘’ You know Shiki, I thought you’d get wiser in yakuza but you’re going more insane every year, man. ‘’

‘’ Okay. No one is using those props, you’re done here. ‘’ Akabayashi takes Shiki’s wrist. While his grip isn’t tight, he is basically fuming with anger.

Shiki smirks; ‘’ Why? ‘’ He draws closer to Akabayashi’s ear; ‘’ Because you’re the only man who can tie me down? ‘’

‘’ Yes. We’ll go home, I’m going to tie you down to the bed and you’re going to sleep. ‘’ He looks at his lover’s purple under-eyes; ‘’ You’re so tired that you don’t know what you’re saying. ‘’

‘’ What if I need to pee? Or since we’re playing kinky—‘’

Akabayashi lifts a finger up to Shiki’s face and stops a possible piss kink joke. Then he points at him to get in the car.

Inside the vehicle, he intently stares out of the car window with furrowed brows. He wants to hug Shiki because he still can’t believe he is okay, and he’s missed him so much. But he doesn’t turn his head.

Shiki tries to start a conversation ‘’So what have you been doing? ‘’ When Akabayashi doesn’t reply, he continues with; ‘’ How is Akane-san, did you see her? ‘’

‘’ Don’t talk to me, I’m angry right now. ‘’ Akabayashi mutters.

Shiki turns his phone on and checks his email. Then he sends Akabayashi that picture of a small cat facing a wall with the caption _‘’no talk me im angy’’_

Akabayashi opens the message, then lifts a brow at him;

‘’ Really? ‘’

‘’ What are you planning to cook for dinner? ‘’ Shiki tries to look cute.

‘’ Dinner? You’re getting takeout, Haruya. ‘’

‘’ So, my husband refuses to cook for me. That’s unfortunate. ‘’ Shiki rubs his eyes and leans back on his seat; ‘’ The matters at hand were delicate, Mizuki. I couldn’t let you know. Also, Narumi’s plan would work perfectly if you guys didn’t interfere…’’

‘’ But I shouldn’t have made you go through all this. ‘’ He sighs, gently raking his fingers through Akabayashi’s hair; ‘’ You don’t look so rested either. ‘’

‘’ I’m sorry, my love. ‘’ Innocently _,_ he places his left hand onto the vacant space between them. It’s a strategic move that Akabayashi sees through and won’t fall for.

Except, he lays his hand over Shiki’s. The moment their hands touch, Shiki turns and pulls a bird-shaped pillow from the rear deck.

‘’ Well, we have a long road ahead. I should listen to my man and get some rest. ‘’ The _pillow_ is actually the bird plushie Akabayashi got him _years_ ago. Shiki keeps it in the limo and puts it to use when there is a traffic-jam on the way home after-work.

He makes Akabayashi sit smaller and plops the pillow on top of his knees before setting his head on it.

Akabayashi caresses his hair, his touch soft; ‘’ I am I a bed, Haru? ‘’

Shiki takes his hand and kisses his palm; ‘’ You’re my whole world. ‘’ He smiles, corners of his eyes crinkle. Akabayashi brushes his thumb on the arch of his cheekbone, then sighs;

‘’ I will cook for you. ‘’ He starts scrolling down on his phone, looking at different recipes; ‘’Don’t scare me like that again, okay? ‘’

When he doesn’t hear a reply, Akabayashi looks down and sees that his lover has already drifted to sleep.

It’s okay. He just needs rest, _and maybe a long vacation…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm-  
> uwu


	4. A letter from Akabayashi Mizuki/Late-night writings from Shiki Haruya's notebook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any English teacher would fucking pass out when they see this.  
> I hope you don't [hate] first-person point of view.

_A letter from Akabayashi Mizuki…_

Tonight, Haruya grew restless and told me he couldn’t sleep. I offered to make him some lavender tea; we went downstairs and settled to the green table in our kitchen.

I made the tea and put the cup in front of my insomniac lover. Haruya had brought a notebook and was writing down whatever worry or thought happened to be keeping him awake that night.

Watching him write, I found myself reviving a huge load of memories from the past fifteen years.

I asked Haruya to tear me a paper too;

Precisely the day after graduation, Haruya and I removed our piercings; Haruya cut Aozaki’s hair and we handed ourselves to Awakusu-kai’s most cutthroat yakuza executive, _Chopstick Takeshi._

Takeshi-san made sure we understood the structure of yakuza. He made us realize our strengths while pushing us to improve our weaknesses. He yelled our insecurities to our faces and didn’t hesitate to land his cane on our backs when he got angry. But we bonded tightly. He was our mentor.

Four months after our graduation, Oyabun, at the age of 101, passed away in his sleep. Dougen-san took over the clan without any opposition. From there Haruya and I had to say goodbye to our mothers and join Dougen Awakusu on a long adventure in Tokyo.

Since we gained very little at first; me, Aozaki and Haru had to rent a shitty apartment close to Shinjuku Ni-Chome street. We managed to live together for four years without killing each other.

I remember one time in that apartment, Haruya chased a cockroach with a knife, then Aozaki punched a hole in the wall while trying to catch it.

I became friends with the insect.

Haruya didn’t touch me for a month.

Four years later, we were making enough money to move into separate, cockroach-free apartments. Haruya and I found ourselves a place in the less-shady part of the city.

It was a small apartment, but we were so dazzled by the city’s neon lights and busy committing to rather _mischievous acts_ in back-alleys that we only used that place to sleep. Occasionally.

Meanwhile, Awakusu-kai’s successful alliances started stirring discontent among certain families. Through Dougen-san’s mediation, many territory wars were prevented and the balances between families started shifting as a result.

Then one night, while they were leaving Awakusu-kai’s office building, a hitman loyal to a group _-that I can’t name here-_ shot down Takeshi-san and Dougen-san’s wife.

Haruya was with them. He got shot too but he survived.

Losing two people who we respected immensely in such cowardly, abrupt attack was an eye opener for us. We began to understand what we were dipping our toes into. After the loss of his wife, Dougen-san was no longer that energetic man with a polished way of looking at the yakuza world. He adapted to the traditional ways, more or less, and aged _fast._

A couple of months after the attack, Awakusu-kai merged with a bigger group. We avenged their deaths. The rest is history, three of us became executives to the family.

Was it worth it though? All the power and the fuck ton of money?

I think only Dougen-san knows the answer to that question. And I don’t ever want to find out.

What else? I recently reached out to Junkichi from my high school _gang._ He is working at an insurance company, one that is pretty much a fraud.

It didn’t surprise me to learn that Yoshio has taken over his father’s business.

And my good-hearted friend Kanzaki is working in a care facility for the elderly. Good for him.

Throughout years, Haruya and I travelled to quite a few countries, be it for vacation or to flee Japan after a murder. On one of those instances, I found my father in Germany. I wasn’t going to search for him, but I am a curious person by nature, you see?

My father, whose lack of support in my teenage years gave me panic attacks and deep-rooted abandonment issues; turns out he left my mother and I for _a man._

He was _gay_ , and realized the fact in a fetish bar in Berlin.

When I tell you, I was _pissed_ — _Anyway,_ we talked in a café and I advised him to write a detailed letter to my mom, explaining how she didn’t fail as a spouse, but _he_ didn’t have the courage to return to Japan and face her.

I’ve lost the sight in my one eye. A knife slashed it. It was a tight fight, happens sometimes. But it’s almost three in the night and my handwriting is getting blurrier, so I will conclude here.

.

.

_From Shiki Haruya’s notebook…._

A dream. Or was it a flashback? It felt like it.

I was back in Oita, back at the wheat field I ran to after tasting the fear of death for the first time. I was pinned to the ground by—should I say fear or pain, I am not sure, but I couldn’t move.

It was cold.

The moment I saw a tiger walking towards me, scrunching the wheat stems under its calm pace, I knew I was in a dream. The tiger was radiating a hazy gleam of red light, it laid down right next to me and I saw flame-particles spreading in the air.

I forgot about the fear that had paralysed me and ran my hand across its warm fur.

I chuckled; ‘’ Did you come to watch the birds with me? ‘’

It was a strange dream that led me to think my years in Oita, and more.

Up until the moment Mizuki held my hand and said _‘’ Run with me, Haruya-kun! ‘’_ I was a horribly lonely teenager. I constantly felt out of place and unwanted. I couldn’t love the tiny town my mother and I exiled ourselves into because of a vile man.

I cried a lot at nights. I wish I didn’t, because a stupid redhead delinquent who can’t even open a birdcage was going to hold my hand and everything was going to be okay. But I didn’t know that. I felt trapped in Oita and I was sure I didn’t have a future.

The morning after our high-school graduation, Mizuki came to me with his little earring on his palm and said; ‘’ I want to be a yakuza, Haru. ‘’ I didn’t hesitate to remove my own piercing and place it in his hand.

Because every step you take with Mizuki Akabayashi is bound to be an adventure. And I am ready to follow him. I’ve followed him down. I will follow him up if necessary.

It took a great strength, but I didn’t dump my father’s corpse into the depths of the Sumida river. I told my mother I could take him out, she gave me a hard stare, so I didn’t.

I found him though, and visited him only once. I brought a few of my men with me, so that he understood who I was and didn’t dare to disturb my mother who still lives in Oita.

_-I’ve bought her a beautiful cottage house with a garden in it.-_

My father told me that I was a disgrace of a son for becoming a yakuza. You know, because he gave me all these opportunities to be an accepted member of society.

I don’t have a grain of regret in me for choosing the life of crime. What I have is an absurd amount of money in my bank account, cars, houses, designer shit. You name it.

But the most precious thing I own really is the bird encyclopaedia Mizuki stole for me, which I paid for when I started working in a hair salon.

I only have a wish. I know this wish will be in my mind at my last moment, because it is impossible to make it real.

While ending this, allow me to quote a sentence here that I came across when I was a child. Even though I forgot who wrote it, I remember being deeply affected by it when I first read it;

 _‘’_ _If only I could so live and so serve the world that after me there should never again be birds in cages. ‘’_

* * *

Back in the quiet kitchen, Shiki stops writing and drinks the last sip of his lavender tea before running his fingers through Akabayashi’s red hair;

‘’ Stop rubbing your eye, Mizuki. I can write for you if you’re tired. ‘’

‘’ No, I’m almost done. ‘’ When finished, Akabayashi looks at what he’s written like a proud student. Then he places the paper in front of Shiki.

Nostalgia, missing, remembering; all pass Shiki’s features as he reads the sentences his lover has written. He mumbles, huffing a laugh; ‘’ Do you remember how Ao cried as I cut his hair? ‘’

Then comes a hard swallow. Shiki pauses at the part about the shooting, his hand unknowingly goes to the spot where he has a scar from that night; ‘’ I wish…’’ He starts, to say ‘’ I wish I could protect them. ‘’, ‘’ I wish they were still alive. ‘’ But their mentor has told them to _never_ grieve after him. So instead, Shiki keeps on reading.

After one last huff, he carefully tucks the paper into his notebook; ‘’Thanks Mizuki. Is it okay if I keep this? ‘’

‘’ Yeah I’d lose it anyway. ‘’ Akabayashi finishes his drink in one gulp and puts the cups under the sink; ‘’ You ready to go to sleep? ‘’

Shiki nods and links his arm to Akabayashi’s. They start climbing the stairs to the bedroom;

‘’ Na Haru, the other day I found Ao’s first love on Facebook. Kaneko-san. ‘’

‘’ I thought I was clear about _not_ stalking people online, Mizuki. ‘’ Shiki looks at him; ‘’ Did you tell Ao? ‘’

Akabayashi nods, drawing his bottom lip between his teeth; ‘’ She’ll be in Tokyo in a week. I arranged _a date_ , and you know what Ao asked me to do? ‘’

Shiki waits for the answer, eyes tired.

‘’ He asked me to help him pick a ring. ‘’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> '' If only I could so live and so serve the world that after me there should never again be birds in cages. '' Is a quote by Isak Dinesen.  
> It's use in this story is up to interpretation.


	5. Kaneko

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I love this part.  
> I love it.  
> yeah.
> 
> I couldn't develop her character so much but Kaneko is the only oc I ever cared about to this day, man. Wow. That OC created herself.  
> ALSO I WAITED SO LONG TO GIVE AO HIS HAPPY ENDING HOLY SHIT- SO MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, SELF-DEPRECATION, *reading other awks writers' fics and crying in a corner at three in the night bcz I succ*  
> BUT YEAH FINALLY. and no, I will..never write Aozaki in character. He is good like this. I like him the way I write.

_X. Kaneko_

The ground is entirely covered by dry leaves that are berry-red and gold in colour. The sky is grey, air foggy. Time to time the autumn wind whistles by, making people passing the park bow their heads and quicken their steps.

The wind tousles Aozaki’s hair, threatens to blow off his scarf. He knows it is probably rude to keep a lady waiting in this crisp weather. However, he continues to watch her from afar. He has to convince himself that it is indeed Kaneko who is sitting on the bench under a sycamore tree.

Shiki and Akabayashi were right when they said he would see her again one day.

Spiky leaves crunch beneath his feet. It’s been fifteen years.

He walks, and then stops;

_‘’ Kaneko. ‘’_

Aozaki can easily tell you the thing about her. For one, Kaneko doesn’t try to cover her freckles and paint her face a lighter shade. She keeps her hair short, lipstick red, and beauty effortless. She doesn’t push her speech to be more woman-like, voice higher and words insincere. Kaneko knows how to be rude and she makes dirty jokes. And maybe there _are_ other women like Kaneko, but guess what, Aozaki hasn’t given them his heart.

And now, Kaneko stands up from the bench and throws her arms around Aozaki’s solid frame, his name ‘’Shuu’’ leaves her lips in pure joy. Then and there she makes him the happiest man on this god damn earth.

That is the thing about her.

That is the hug Aozaki has been longing to reply.

The leaves fall, Kaneko and Aozaki sway side-to-side for a while, unable to break the touch. Then Kaneko takes a step back to study him for a few seconds, hands still holding him tight;

‘’ You look so different. I like it. ‘’

Her smile is contagious. ‘’ I grew up a bit. ‘’ Aozaki says.

‘’ Back in town, they told me you and that red-haired kid had joined a yakuza. ‘’ She gives a playful punch on his chest; ‘’ I knew you would make it! Have you gone to jail yet? ‘’

‘’ I did, just for six months. But it was enough. ‘’ Aozaki lifts his thumb to point out the scars on his face; ‘’ Got these there. ‘’

‘’ Ssh.. Don’t be cooler than me. ‘’ Kaneko drags him back towards the bench; ‘’ Sit down, let’s talk. ‘’

‘’ Wouldn’t you want to go to a bar or something? Would be warmer. ‘’

She seems way too excited for that; ‘’ We can go later. Now tell me all, everything. ‘’

‘’ What is there to tell? I was a scum of society, now I have court documents to prove it. ‘’ Aozaki says, leaning back in the bench. Staring at the sheen that has fallen on her face, his lips curl in a smile; ‘’ It’s you who disappeared on me to travel the world. You got the stories, don’t you? ‘’

Kaneko looks up at the tree above them and crosses her legs; ‘’ I did see a lot of places, met different people. I also met ordinary people, but they were never really ordinary. ‘’ She steadies her elbow on the bench and rests her head on her palm;

‘’ The world is an amazing place, Shuu. ‘’ She meets his gaze and smirks.

Another thing about Kaneko. Aozaki has never seen anyone who enjoys living as much as she does.

‘’ But right now, I can’t think of anything to tell you. I’m shocked that we were able to meet again. ‘’

Aozaki takes off his scarf and puts it around her neck; ‘’ How is your health then? ‘’

‘’ How is _your_ health, mister? ‘’

‘’ Been shot four times, got stabbed eight times. I’m not lacking any organs or a little finger so I say I’m doing pretty good. ‘’

She laughs, then uncrosses her legs and explains her situation; ‘’ Cancer came back a few years ago. I beat it again, or so I’ve been told. I’m okay nowadays. ‘’ She adds, brows furrowing; ‘’But my fiancé left me when I told him I had to get chemo again. I was looking forward to adopting a kid once we got married. That _b-‘_ ’

 _‘’ Bastard. ‘_ ’ They let out at the same time.

Kaneko snorts and rubs her eyes;

‘’ Maybe he loved me so much that he couldn’t handle the possibility of losing me. So he left. ‘’

Aozaki shakes his head; ‘’ Nah. Love doesn’t work like that, Kaneko. Just say he was a lousy bastard who didn’t deserve you. ‘’

Kaneko thinks to herself for a while, looking back on few heart-breaking details, then agrees; ‘’ Yes, he was a lousy bastard who didn’t deserve me, Shuu. ‘’

She leans her head against Aozaki’s shoulder and stays silent. Aozaki puts a kiss on top of her hair and rests his head on hers.

In front of their eyes, fallen red leaves swirl on the ground.

‘’ Na Kaneko. Do you remember the day you came to my dorm to talk to me about the fight I was about to take? It was so fucking hot that day, but you still climbed the hill the building was at. ‘’

Kaneko hums to indicate she remembers.

‘’ You saved my life that day. _Did you know, Kaneko?_ If I continued to fight into those rings, I would end up dead in one fight or another. I was a kid who grew up in an orphanage, spent his childhood in delinquent halls and high-school years in a tiny dorm room…There was no end to my disappointment with the world. ‘’

‘’ Be honest. Aren’t you disappointed, still? ‘’ She asks.

‘’ I am. But I am alive, also. ‘’ Aozaki lifts his head up when she moves. He looks into her eyes;

‘’ Out of all the things you said to me that day, two words convinced me. You said _, ‘’hold on’’_. You told me to hold on to life. And I thought to myself, if a woman who has beaten fucking cancer is telling me to continue, then maybe I fucking should—Sorry I’m cursing a lot. ‘’

‘’ I don’t mind. ‘’ Kaneko says, brushing her thumb over a pink scar on Aozaki’s face.

Aozaki takes a deep breath in and holds it in his chest for a few seconds. Then he keeps his eyes down and continues;

‘’ Now I’m gonna say two words to you and people who haven't seen each other in fifteen fucking years don’t say these two words to one other. I know. But if I don’t say it, I’ll spend my entire life regretting it. ‘’

He reaches for the ring box in his pocket; ‘’ And I’ve never regretted anything in my life, Kaneko. ‘’

‘’ Marry me. ‘’ He says, placing the small box on her palm.

Aozaki doesn’t expect an answer or a reaction and Kaneko doesn’t give one to him. She opens the box and stares at the ring for a while;

‘’ Blue diamond. Unique choice. Did you pick it yourself? ‘’

‘’ Akabayashi helped me. And uh, his husband. Also a yakuza. ‘’

Kaneko lifts her eyebrows; ‘‘ Oh? I thought gay people couldn’t marry in Japan. They can, at last? ‘’

‘’ Nah, they went to Denmark to get married. But because they are dumbasses, they committed a petty crime there and had to bribe all these people to get married legally. ‘’ Aozaki waves his hand, leaning back in the bench; ‘’ Was a whole ordeal. ‘’

‘’ I see…’’

Aozaki hears a small _thud_ when Kaneko closes the ring box. The sound echoes in his chest, painfully so, but he won’t tell you.

‘’ You’re a man worth spending my years with. But this isn’t sensible. ’’ Kaneko struggles to put her fear into words; ‘’ I can’t guarantee I won’t get sick again. I wouldn’t want you to go through that. ‘’

‘’ I’m not scared, Kaneko. ‘’ Aozaki states the fact. He is not in the intention of pushing her or persuading her to make a decision. Just voices his simple truth.

He looks at her and sees a tear trickle down to her lips.

‘’ Why did the man I trusted enough to get engaged once got scared and you’re saying you’re not, Shuu? ‘’

Aozaki wipes the tear off. When she hugs him, he hugs back and caresses her short hair; ‘’ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. ‘’

‘’ No. I’m asking for real, why? ‘’

‘’ I can’t speak for him. I wish you didn’t get your heart broken like that. ‘’

‘’ How about you? ‘’

‘’ I said I’m not scared because I’ve been loving you for a long time, Kaneko, and it’s been pain. I think I can handle whatever you put me through at this point. ‘’

‘’ You just don’t cry. Especially because of dumb fucking men like me. ‘’ Aozaki adds after, and adds another kiss on hair, completely shaken himself.

Kaneko looks up, then lets out a shaky laugh; ‘’ Don’t tell me that when you’re crying yourself. ‘’

Aozaki looks at the distance, then closes his eyes when a wind blows by;

‘’ Men don’t cry, Kaneko. ‘’

‘’ Yeah and women aren't supposed to shave their heads and walk around like the late punk youth, but look at me. ‘’ Kaneko breaks the hug to open the ring box once again.

She takes the ring but doesn’t wear it on her finger. Instead, she takes off her necklace and slips the ring through the band. Aozaki fastens the accessory back on her neck.

Kaneko lifts a finger up to Aozaki’s face and narrows her eyes;

‘’ Don’t dare to let me go, mister. ‘’

‘’ Never did. Never will. ‘’

* * *

‘’ They’ve cried, they will live together for a while, then will get married. Happily ever after— _fuck._ ‘’ Shiki whines, shaking involuntarily because of the cold; ‘’ Can we stop invading people’s privacy now? ‘’

Wiping his nose to a napkin, Akabayashi nods. His eyes are quite literally brimming with tears; ‘’ Yes. I just wanted to be with my poor friend just in case he broke his heart. ‘’ He throws the napkin into a trashcan and links arms with Shiki;

‘’ Isn’t love so precious, Haru? ‘’ Disregarding the looks they are receiving, Akabayashi presses a small kiss on his lover’s cheek; ‘’ I love you so much. ‘’

Shiki frowns; ‘’ I am cold. ‘’

‘’ You are mostly, yes. But I love you like that too. ‘’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww my babbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Ao


	6. Deleted Scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't edit this part. This is that cute scene with Akane. I had to cut it, but I'm posting it as an unfinished scene.

Shiki lifts a brow when someone opens the door of his office room but doesn’t show themselves.

The mysterious person sticks a pink wand through the ajar door and swirls it;

_‘’ Magic spell to make uncle Shiki take a break from work! ‘’_

Shiki huffs a laugh and picks up his coffee mug; ‘’ Please do come in, miss Akane. ‘’

‘’ Uncle Akabayashi, it worked! ‘’ Akane runs into the room in a bubble-gum pink fairy costume, a pair of wings attached to her back. Akabayashi follows, carrying her school bag;

‘’ See, miss? If your spell has worked on a workaholic like Uncle Shiki, then you will do just fine in the school play. ‘’

Shiki shuts the lid of his laptop and gives his attention to the invaders in his office room; ‘’ Oh? I didn’t know you were preparing for a play, miss. What role are you playing? ‘’

Akane twirls happily; ‘’ I am a fairy who helps people when they need me. ‘’ She then plops herself down on a leather chair; ‘’ My mother told me she and my father have to go somewhere, so Akabayashi-san will come to my play. ‘’

‘’ I am sorry your parents couldn’t be there to watch your play. Would you want me to make sure it is recorded so that you can watch it together at a later time? ‘’

Akane shakes her head; ‘’ It’s okay. We will play again tomorrow. My mom won’t be busy then. ‘’

Akabayashi places Akane’s school bag onto a vacant seat and stands behind Shiki; ‘’ But there is something the little miss wants from Uncle Shiki, right? ‘’

Nodding, Akane fishes something out of her bag; ‘’ My mother promised to help me put on this nail polish, but they had to leave early. It’s the same colour as my dress. ‘’ She places a bottle of pink nail polish in front of Shiki and smiles;

‘’ Uncle Akabayashi told me you were very talented at this, and that you could do it for me. ‘’

Shiki’s brow _twitches,_ but he takes the nail polish; ‘’ Of course, miss. ‘’ He says respectfully.

Akane places her small hands onto the desk. Only one coat does the trick, so Shiki’s job doesn’t take too long. Akabayashi snickers behind them.

Aozaki walks into the room; ‘’ Oi, Akabayashi---Ah, good morning, miss. ‘’ He acknowledges the child who, hierarchically, is in a higher position than the three of them. Then he looks at Akabayashi; ‘’ Did you pick up the ring from the jeweller? ‘’

‘’ I did. ‘’ Akabayashi tosses the ring case to Aozaki.

After that, Aozaki stands in front a mirror to check his appearance, but instead finds himself contemplating his ring choice; ‘’ Do you think this is too…womanish? ‘’

‘’ I believe Kaneko-san _is_ a woman, Ao. ‘’ Akabayashi says.

‘’ You meant feminine? ‘’ Shiki asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. I...
> 
> I mean.
> 
> -  
> If you actually managed to come all the way here. First; If you didn't like it and I stole all this time from your life, I'm so sorry.  
> Second.  
> I forgot what I wanted to say.hm.


End file.
